indigently | 𝒪𝓅𝑒𝓃 𝓅𝑜𝓈𝓉 🏛️

[ What is it? Alhaitham asks, and Kaveh suddenly realizes that he doesn't know what to say. His gaze drops, wet and reddened crimson eyes staring at the other's feet on the floor, his breath rattling in his lungs as he tries to sort through the myriad of emotions that had him barreling off of his own bed and to the other's room. He mimics the other by accident, arms crossing over his chest— a self-defense mechanism— as he responds with the only thing he can think of to say at the moment: ]

I'm not drunk.

[ His voice is sullen, a tremble hidden in its words. He shouldn't have come over here; he should have just agreed, let Alhaitham say they're not friends just like he's said himself so many times before now—

instead, he let it cut to his core and sting with the same ache from which he's been trying to run.

All he can do right now is insist. ]

I'm not drunk, so tell me.

[ It's so hard. Being around Kaveh is so hard. Alhaitham can usually manage it, keep his own feelings in check through rationality and objectivity. Kaveh doesn't want him — not like that. He's made that more than clear enough. Their relationship is fraught and barely civil, no matter how many times Alhaitham thinks he's approaching Kaveh in a sensible manner. Kaveh always finds a reason to explode at him, to find fault in his words, to be hurt in some way.

Ironic, really, since the last thing Alhaitham ever wants to do is hurt Kaveh.

Tonight though, Kaveh's words stung deeper than usual and Alhaitham is nursing a hurt of his own. He wishes he could just lose himself in a book, or go to bed and not have to deal with these heavy feelings in his chest. But of course, Kaveh demanded his attention like always and so here he is. Kaveh wants to know what he meant, Kaveh won't let it go.

But Alhaitham doesn't want to answer. What else could he be for Kaveh? A partner, a friend, real companionship that he craves so desperately and Alhaitham wants to give to him. Alhaitham finds Kaveh's mother's words haunting even him — companionship she told Kaveh to seek out and yet Alhaitham is left out of the equation every time.

Alhaitham's hand reaches out, cups Kaveh's cheek in his broad palm, and his thumb swipes over the underside of Kaveh's eye, brushing away his tears. Then he sighs. ]

You're upset. Nothing I say is going to help. Just... just go to bed, Kaveh.

[ He sounds a little defeated at the end there. ]

[ Despite himself, despite everything he's promised himself, Kaveh's breath catches when Alhaitham's hand reaches to cup his cheek. He tilts his head into the touch, his eyes closing— and again, he shouldn't, it flies in the face of everything he's been trying to do for the last however long, but when push comes to shove he can't help himself, not when his heart aches so badly.

Not when Alhaitham sounds— ]

Of course I'm upset. [ He looks back up at him, trying to ignore the warble in his own voice, the way that fresh tears immediately fill the space left behind by those the younger man swipes away. ] You... said we're not friends.

[ On the surface, it's an ironic complaint for Kaveh to make. He's the one who has always insisted against there being any sort of friendship left between them. He's the one who claims that he can't stand Alhaitham. He's the one who makes grand plans over and over again to move out, to finally be free.

But— ]

You've never said that before.

[ But it hurts. And maybe that makes him a coward when that hurt is always what he's been seeking, the chance to run from it before it's even begun, but he can't stand it. ]

[ Of course it's that that made Kaveh upset. Alhaitham has been careful to never say that they're not friends but never say that they are friends either. Because the truth of the matter is that they're neither. There is connection here, a bond that cannot be severed so easily, the two of them strung together by fate or luck or whatever you want to call it. Alhaitham can acknowledge that much.

Yet, he knows that Kaveh won't. He doesn't want to give, doesn't want to acknowledge Alhaitham as anything but his oppressive roommate, the bane of his existence, the reason for his woes. In order to feel better about himself, Alhaitham must be the villain. This is something Alhaitham has long since recognized about their dynamic and he's taken it in relative stride. His ego is not fragile enough to be bruised by something like this.

It also means though that there is no room for progression. Alhaitham only recognized his feelings for Kaveh after he came back into his life and quickly came to the decision that he would not reveal them to Kaveh. He knew it wouldn't be well received and that it would shake their already unsteady foundation. So, he kept it to himself.

So, they're not friends, and they're not lovers either, and Alhaitham just accepted that.

His mouth pulls into a thin line and his thumb swipes at the fresh tears that spill down Kaveh's face. He wishes it was easier to just... not take care of Kaveh. He wishes that for one moment, these feelings didn't crawl up his throat and make his heart hurt and shake him with the urge to gather Kaveh in his arms and try to make the world go away. Life would be so much easier if he could just truly disconnect. ]

Kaveh...

[ A sigh. ]

What is it that you want from me?

I—

[ But he falls silent as quickly as he opens his mouth. There's really no way for him to explain what he wants. Not only because it's so horribly complicated, but because he's terrified to speak it into reality.

It's easier to pretend Alhaitham is the villain, not because it makes him feel better about himself, but because it makes him feel better about pushing him away, putting walls between them— something he's only doing in the first place so that the other can't do it to him first. Because why wouldn't he? He makes no secret of how he feels about Kaveh's everything that elder of the two already struggles to understand why he keeps him around as it is. Alhaitham knows all his flaws, understands him better than anyone else, so—

Kaveh takes a step back, out of the other's touch, his palms lifting to rub at his own cheeks as if to erase not only his tears but the lingering sensation of care.

It's okay. It's okay if Alhaitham is ready to reject him finally. He's ready for it. He can take it. It's better than letting him get close and losing him. Isn't it?

(He can't lose anyone else. Not like that.) ]

It doesn't matter what I want. It was stupid of me to think about it anyway. Sorry for bothering you. I think I might just... I'll just go down to Lambad's and have a drink or two. You don't have to worry about me, okay?

[ Another step back. Something about their conversation, the question, the other's gentle touch, all of it combined— it activates his instinct to run. ]

Sorry.

Edited 2024-06-08 08:20 (UTC)

[ He can't let Kaveh leave.

It's the first thought that strikes him, the initial reaction to Kaveh pulling away from him. It takes a moment for his brain to catch up to realize why. He has the feeling if he lets him leave, if Kaveh slips away to get drunk at the tavern again, it's going to put an insurmountable space between them that even Alhaitham won't be able to break through. He doesn't want that. He wants... well, he wants a lot more than that but even this feels like a step in the wrong direction to Alhaitham.

His hand reaches out, catches Kaveh's wrist on his grasp and tugs him closer again before he can escape. His other hand reaches out to cup Kaveh's face again and he holds him like that unless Kaveh makes a means to escape. There's concern etched upon his features as he looks at Kaveh, green eyes boring into crimson, eyebrows pulled together just so. He looks at Kaveh for a long moment before daring to speak. ]

Please... [ He trails off, not having expected to start like that. Alhaitham never says please to Kaveh. ] Don't go.

[ He doesn't want to tell him the truth, doesn't want to tell him what he actually meant in the text messages they shared. But he doesn't want Kaveh to leave him again, to put distance between them, to act like there's nothing here. Kaveh wants to run, he knows this, but Alhaitham can't let him go that easily.

Like that, his arms move again. The hand on Kaveh's face loops around his shoulders, pulling him close to Alhaitham's body while the hand grabbing his wrist winds around his middle. He hugs Kaveh to his chest then, holds him tight, cradles Kaveh's head against his chest and closes his eyes for a moment as he holds the other man so tightly. Then his voice comes again, gentle. ]

I'm sorry.

[ Alhaitham doesn't ever apologize either. ]

[ Kaveh truly isn't sure what he's expecting from Alhaitham when he starts to back away. Silence, perhaps. Acceptance. That same stoic expression that plagues him day in and day out, concealing the depths of what the other man might possibly be feeling.

It's not the hand that reaches out to pull him in closer, the visible concern on his features, the please before the younger man pulls him in closer, all but cradles him. Kaveh's eyes widen, his own arms still at his own sides, momentarily paralyzed by the shock and indecision. Like this, there's no way Alhaitham can't feel the way he trembles, the way that fresh tears cut down his cheeks as his eyes close, seeping into the other's shirt.

But like this, he feels—

God, how is he meant to run away from this?

I'm sorry, Alhaitham says, and Kaveh's reasonably sure his heart does something funny in his chest, impossibilities aside. And after a moment, his own arms lift, circling Alhaitham's waist, holding him just as close in return. ]

You don't— no, it was my fault.

[ Now, it's his turn to say something he's never said, at least to Alhaitham. Painting the other as the bad guy in his mind has always meant he can't take the blame, and yet now he feels he has to, feels it's the only way through this situation when—

He doesn't want to lose him. Not even on his own terms, the way he's always decided to. Not when it feels like this. And maybe that means he gets hurt later but it can't be worse than this, right? Than the hollow ache in his chest, the fear lancing his gut and striking his spine...

Archons, but what if it's worse? ]

[ Kaveh is in his arms, warm and safe, and Alhaitham has a moment of wondering why it took so long to get him here. His heart still hurts, this all feels a bit too much and he finds himself holding Kaveh just a little tighter when he feels the wet tears seeping into his shirt. His fingers curl into Kaveh's hair, cradling his head and he closes his eyes, lowering his head to press his face into Kaveh's hair and breathe him in. The arm around Kaveh holds him tightly and when he feels Kaveh's arms loop around him in return, he relaxes somewhat.

Alhaitham's mind slowly works through the knot that is this conversation. At first, it was Kaveh chasing him for an answer to his slip up. What else could Alhaitham be for Kaveh? And then Kaveh was upset because he said they weren't friends. Which they aren't, they aren't, and Alhaitham doesn't want to be friends. He wants much more than that from Kaveh. But even then, Kaveh kept chasing him for an answer and Alhaitham could only ask what did Kaveh even want from him? Which had Kaveh running instead, trying to put distance between them.

Alhaitham isn't... stupid. There's something here. The two of them are avoiding saying something to each other, something that would change their relationship. Alhaitham knows what he's avoiding but what is it that Kaveh's avoiding? It doesn't matter what I want, he said and Alhaitham's mind fixates on it, trying to pull apart what Kaveh means and see if he can find an answer there.

But his own heart is beating a little too fast, feeling a little too raw, to clearly think through this. Kaveh is in his arms and that's all Alhaitham wants. He wants to hold Kaveh, to make everything better, to feel like the two of them aren't going to be apart anytime soon. His arms curl a little tighter around the smaller man and he sighs.

His voice comes, mumbled slightly. ]

If you want us to be friends, we're friends. If you don't want that, just tell me what you do want.

[ And he'll give it to him. He'd give Kaveh anything. ]

[ There it is again, that question. Asking what he wants, when Kaveh is quite sure he doesn't dare to say it. It's not friendship, of course, but— but isn't that the next best thing? Isn't that what will hurt less in the long run? It's less risky, surely, less dangerous, less likely to have him falling apart alone in the end; yet he's always rejected it, yet he allowed himself to ache when Alhaitham rejected it in turn.

And now he can feel Alhaitham's heart pounding against the rest of his head, the way that the younger man's fingers are curled in his hair, the press of his face against his scalp and the tickle of his breath as he inhales. It makes him want to cry all the more, and he knows that his heart is pounding in the same way. They've never held one another like this before, haven't really touched in years; Kaveh hasn't dared allow himself to get so close, not after the fight that broke them so badly in the first place.

But what does he want?

Kaveh is quiet, pulling back from the embrace just enough that he can look up at Alhaitham again, ruby eyes seeking emerald even as tears continue to glimmer in the corners. ]

I said it doesn't matter, Alhaitham. I meant it.

[ But there's something on the other's face that he can't read, something that ties his heart into knots, and his gut and his heart make the decision for him before his head can catch up. ]

I— I'm drunk, right? So..

[ The statement makes no sense. He's not, and Alhaitham can probably tell as much from the way he holds himself, from how clear his voice is when he talks, even through the haze of his emotion. It's an excuse at best for the way he shifts, leans up to him, mouth slotting against his in a too-hasty kiss.

(He doesn't taste like wine, either.) ]

[ Kaveh is not drunk. This is the first thing that goes through Alhaitham's mind as the other man pulls away, as he says the things that he says. Alhaitham frowns a little at that and makes to object because he already knows that Kaveh isn't drunk. That's really the worst thing about this whole thing — neither of them are drunk, there is no excuse for their actions, no explaining away these feelings.

But then Kaveh catches him off guard.

He's not expecting to be kissed. Not expecting the way Kaveh leans up and presses his mouth to his and kisses him like that. There's a muffled noise of surprise into the kiss and Alhaitham's hands pull back out of shock. They go up to Kaveh's shoulders, pushing him back immediately as he tries to get his thoughts in order and explain what just happened.

Except very quickly he's regretting that action because he knows Kaveh is going to interpret it as rejection. His eyes widen, the realization hits him, and before he can stop himself he's leaning back in to kiss Kaveh again. If this is his one chance, if this is his one chance, he cannot let himself waste it. He doesn't know why Kaveh is kissing him, doesn't know why he picked now of all times, but he knows that he's wanted to kiss Kaveh for a long, long time and he can't have Kaveh thinking he's been rejected.

A hand reaches up from Kaveh's shoulder to cup his cheek and he tilts his head to the side, kissing him deeply, tenderly, licking into his mouth gently with a soft sigh. He is not turning down Kaveh. He is reciprocating. ]

[ He assumes that it will be over the moment it begins, and he's right. Alhaitham responds immediately with the biggest reaction he thinks he's ever seen from the other— the noise of surprise, the hands pulling back before pushing him away. Kaveh expected it, but it still hurts, and for that split second he's left looking up at the other's face with burning eyes and cheeks, an apology on the tip of his tongue and a hollow ache in the pit of his stomach. He fucked things, he knew even as he leaned in for the kiss that it would fuck things and he did it anyway, getting caught up in the swirl of emotions like an idiot..

He watches coppery green eyes widen, and his lips part toward another apology, the panic rising in his throat. Gods, what has he done—

But the space is closed as quickly as it is formed, and Alhaitham's mouth is on his again, and the sound Kaveh makes is one that's soft and shaking, not of surprise but of genuine want, something he can't hide as his eyes sink shut once more. His arms lift, curling around the younger man's shoulders; he sighs and follows the tilt of his head, lips parting easily under the gentle, searching motions of Alhaitham's tongue.

He's wanted this, so badly.

With his arms wound around Alhaitham's shoulders, one hand lifts, fingers cupping around the side of his neck to anchor them against one another, body shifting in closer so that they're properly flush. His tongue brushes up to taste the younger man's and his mouth in turn, another soft sound on his lips when he does. ]

[ They're kissing. Alhaitham is kissing Kaveh and Kaveh is not balking or pushing him away or any of the myriad of things Alhaitham has thought up in his nightmares. No, Kaveh is kissing him back and he's making noises. Noises of want, eager for Alhaitham to kiss him and that's all Alhaitham has ever wanted.

He kisses him harder then, the hand on his shoulder dropping to wrap around his waist and press his chest against Kaveh's even more. The hand holding his cheek grips him firmly as the kiss turns needful, desperate. Alhaitham has wanted to kiss Kaveh for so long, he wants to devour him. He doesn't want idle kisses between two scared teens that he imagined way back when. He wants to claim Kaveh, to make him his.

It's what has him pressing Kaveh back, a step or two before he's pressed against the wall next to Alhaitham's bedroom door. Then the hand on his cheek moves, pressing his arm flat against the wall and clenching his hand into a fist as he kisses Kaveh with want, with hunger, with a deep-seated possessiveness. ]

[ If Alhaitham enjoys the noises that Kaveh is making, then he'll be rewarded by the blonde's response to the way he presses harder into the kiss. As it turns into something hungrier, more desperate between them, as he finds himself pressed into the wall with the taller man bearing down on him, the sound Kaveh makes is less of a gasp or whimper this time but actually a soft moan. His fingers tangle roughly into the other's hair, tugging him in yet closer as he meets the other's need with his own.

And he's terrified, can feel his heart racing against his ribcage in the beginnings of a panic, but wrapped up in the enormity of his desire, he ignores it for now as best as he can, shoves it forcibly to the side. He can deal with it later; afraid as he is, he's not about to ruin the best thing that's happened to him in years out of fear.

(But what if this is just physical for Alhaitham? What if this doesn't change anything?)

Fuck, he needs his head to shut up.

Desperate for more closeness, Kaveh shifts, angling himself so that his leg is slotted between the other man's, allowing them to press closer with yet more freedom. His teeth nip at the younger's lower lip between kisses, breath coming short and sharp, heralding the panicky drive of his heart. ]

Please—

[ A single word, breathed out between kisses and then forgotten. What does he want, apart from everything? ]

[ This is perfect. This is perfect. Alhaitham feels the way Kaveh arches up into his kisses, presses harder into them, and then he swallows down Kaveh's moan in its entirety, shivering slightly from his arousal. The fingers in his hair are good, the leg pressed between his own is even better and he continues to kiss Kaveh with a desperate need.

But he also feels Kaveh too. The slight shaking of his fingers, the fast beating of his heart, he knows Kaveh is still in his head somewhat even as they kiss like neither of them can get enough. He hears the please and knows Kaveh is asking for more but he thinks Kaveh might be asking for reassurance as well. So when Alhaitham pulls off the kiss, when he starts pressing kisses to Kaveh's jaw, down to his throat, scraping teeth across his skin, he also says — ]

Stop thinking, Kaveh.

[ He lifts his head then, presses his forehead against Kaveh's and looks at him. Bright emerald eyes seeking out crimson as he crowds Kaveh up against the wall and tries to make Kaveh's world narrow down to him, just him. ]

How do you feel about me? Just say it. The truth.

[ And before he can freak out, there's reassurance as Alhaitham follows up — ]

Because I'm in love with you.

[ It's like a weight has lifted off his chest the moment Kaveh kissed him. Like the fear has dissolved and there's only Alhaitham's single-minded focus as he reorients his life around this. Kaveh's not drunk. Kaveh kissed him because he has feelings for him. He's not sure the depth of those feelings but they're there which means Alhaitham has a chance. Which means right now, as Kaveh starts to panic even as he loses himself in the kiss with Alhaitham, Alhaitham has no qualms about saying the truth anymore. He's never been a liar anyway. ]

[ As that one word falls off his lips, stolen between kisses, the pounding of Kaveh's heart in his chest only intensifies. He's asking for more of this, that much is obvious, but he's also seeking something else, something else he can't quite quantify. All he knows is that he wants his brain out of the equation, to stop the second-guessing and the fear in favor of letting him actually enjoy this the way he wants to. After all, the outcome after this will be the same regardless of whether it's stressing about it or not, so he should just—

Kisses press down the line of his jaw, his throat, teeth scrape against the skin, and Alhaitham tells him before lifting his head to stop thinking, and a shiver runs down Kaveh's spine. ]

Nn? Alhaitham, you—

[ Once again, the younger man knows him better than he anyone else possibly ever could. His breath catches, anxiety on his lips, but Alhaitham crowds him in until it's just the two of them, until there's nothing past him or around them for Kaveh to seek in the name of escape, allowing him only this and nothing else. Stop thinking, focus on Alhaitham and Alhaitham only, even as he asks a question that makes crimson eyes widen and well, with Kaveh's escape already taken from him. ]

I—

[ He chokes on the words, feels them clog his throat, the panic speeding his heart to an impossible degree; he's fucked up, he started this by kissing him when he should have just walked away, and now he's trapped,

and Alhaitham is in love with him

and Kaveh blinks, slow and unsure like he's awoken from a nightmare, eyes widening as he peers owlishly up at the taller man, as one hand falls from around the other's shoulders to fist into his shirt, all but clinging— ]

You are?

[ His voice cracks on the words, uncertain and unsure. ]

Really?

[ And now, Kaveh needs gentleness. That's what Alhaitham decides when he watches the other man look up at him with such big eyes, such open vulnerability on his face. He knows he needs the reassurance, to know that Alhaitham isn't just saying it to say it but truly means it. There's no way his anxious brain will accept it otherwise and Alhaitham knows it.

So, he moves a hand, cups Kaveh's cheek while his other arm remains braced against the wall. With his hand he tilts Kaveh's head up to him so he can lean down and kiss him ever so gently. It's a soft, sweet kiss, none of that desperate hunger from before and just soft intimacy instead. He'll kiss him for a long moment before pulling away and he doesn't pull away too far. Just enough so he can rub his nose against Kaveh's, sweet. ]

Of course I am. I — [ He cuts himself off, uncharacteristic. But he's never had to voice these feelings before, never had to put them into words. He never had a friend he could talk about this with because really, that friend would've been Kaveh. Vulnerability doesn't really have a place in Alhaitham's life.

But he swallows, he takes a breath, he explains himself. ]

When we were students together, I was... smitten but I never did anything about it. Then you ended our friendship and I thought that was that. When we met again, when I offered my place, it wasn't because of my feelings but after being with you a while, they resurfaced. Stronger now. It's not just childish teenage affection. I know you and I want you.

[ Because really, isn't that love? To know someone so entirely and so thoroughly as Alhaitham knows Kaveh and to still want them, to still desire them, to still crave them as he does? He knows he's in love. He knows it more than anything else. ]

[ For a moment, Kaveh can offer nothing more than terrified silence, and then Alhaitham's mouth comes down on his and he knows. The words that follow clarify, confirm, but the kiss is what tells him, all feeling and gentleness and words that shouldn't need to be spoken, even if Kaveh needs to hear them. It's silence that remains on his lips as Alhaitham talks, explains himself, tells their history from his perspective— he's had feelings since they were students, he says, and Kaveh has never felt so stupid. All this time, he's been running, throwing up walls like his life depended on it, and— ]

Alhaitham...

[ He's lost for words, but his mind is alight with feeling and thought. Over and over, all he can think is how much of a fool he's been, how much time he's wasted for them.

Fresh tears sparkle in the corners of his eyes, and the dam of words breaks. ]

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I've been so busy trying to put walls between us that I didn't see you looking at me too. Of course I'm in love with you. I have been for so long, Alhaitham. But I was— I'm scared. What if things fall apart again? What if you realize.. what if you see me and you want to leave?

[ He's trying to explain himself in turn, but he doesn't realize he's talking in potentials even now, rather than thoughts he's had in the past. ]

I couldn't handle it. I can't lose you, not again.

[ Now, perhaps, his desperation in trying to push Alhaitham away from him will be clearer. ]

[ It is clearer but it's also nothing that surprises Alhaitham really. His mind works quick and the moment Kaveh confesses that he loves him too, he can see exactly how Kaveh thought to protect himself from Alhaitham, from losing Alhaitham, by not giving him any room in his life. Kaveh's anxiety is not a mystery to Alhaitham, not hard to follow the logic of, and so he knows exactly why Kaveh treats him like he does in a manner of seconds.

Which means Alhaitham can only sigh, bringing his other hand down to cup Kaveh's face with both hands and press a kiss to his forehead, to his nose, his cheeks. He leans his forehead against Kaveh's after, green eyes meeting red once again as he just looks at him for a moment with a soft expression on his face. ]

I already see you, Kaveh. Is there anyone else who knows you as well as I do? Who understands you? You hate how much I do, constantly complain about it in fact. But if I can know you this well and still love you, doesn't that absolve all your fears?

[ He'll kiss him on the forehead again before sliding his arms around Kaveh's shoulders, hugging him to his chest. He's finally able to do all the things he ached to do, to soothe Kaveh, whenever they did have conversations where Kaveh was clearly going off the rails because of his anxiety. Now, Alhaitham has permission. ]

I'm not an idiot, Kaveh. I know I can't convince you in one conversation, with just a few kisses. I know it'll take some time and I'll have to put in the work. But can you believe me when I say I'm willing to? That I want to? You know me well enough to know I wouldn't say that if I didn't mean it. I don't do anything I don't want to do.

[ And then, a little quieter, a little more vulnerable: ]

But... I do love you, so don't reject me, please.

[ Kaveh is quiet as Alhaitham talks, letting the other man kiss his forehead, nose, cheeks, forehead again, before pulling him in to a closer embrace, arms right around his shoulders. Somehow, he understands— but perhaps Kaveh should have known he would. After all, what he says is true: there's no one who knows him better than Alhaitham knows him. The younger man has seen every mistake Kaveh has ever made... and somehow, against all odds, he's still here.

He's still here, and he doesn't want Kaveh to be afraid, and he knows it won't come that easily, but he's willing to put in the work, and...

Gods, how did he possibly get so lucky, that this man is in love with someone like him?

Kaveh ends up pulling back to look up at him right as the younger man finishes his statement, admits to his own vulnerabilities, and Kaveh's heart pounds in answer. Once again, he's been so selfish, hidden in his own insecurities and forced Alhaitham to speak up first with no idea of where it could possibly go for him to do so. In his desperation to protect himself, he's made the other feel like he's worth less to Kaveh than he really is.

He's been such a fool. And Alhaitham is right, it will probably take a while, and there'll be times when he doubts and worries and gets caught up in all his own feelings about it again, but at least for now...

Kaveh reaches up, and this time it's his turn to cradle the other's face in his hands, looking up at him with a soft, sweet smile. ]

I'm not rejecting you, Alhaitham. I love you too. And.. and I believe you. I trust you.

[ At the hands on his face, Alhaitham looks up into Kaveh's eyes again and leans his head into Kaveh's touch. He doesn't let go of him, not wanting to be apart from him for too long and not wanting to risk all of this falling apart between his fingers. He's been brave, admitted his feelings and asked Kaveh to love him back and Kaveh... does. He does love him. It's such a fulfilling feeling, such a warm thing that he can't quite believe it.

He's not being rejected. Alhaitham doesn't think he's a very anxious person, doesn't particularly care about other's opinions on him and rarely wants anything in the first place. But he wants Kaveh, he wants to be with him, and the small risk here that that wouldn't happen left Alhaitham feeling... bereft. Now that he knows Kaveh wants him back just as much as Alhaitham wants him, he's feeling... really fucking good.

I believe you. I trust you. Things he's always wanted to hear from Kaveh, even more than I love you. He's never had anything but the best of intentions for Kaveh, even with their diametrically opposed philosophies. It doesn't mean he never cared for the other man, it doesn't mean he didn't want the other man. And now after his confession, when Kaveh could've so easily questioned him and his intentions like he always does, Kaveh instead believes him.

It fills Alhaitham with a relief he wasn't expecting. ]

I'm... happy. [ It's a strange thing for Alhaitham to admit, he's never been a particularly joyous person. ] I'm really happy, Kaveh.

[ He turns his head to kiss the center of Kaveh's palm, leaning his head back into it and gives Kaveh a warm, gentle smile. ]

[ It would have been all too easy for him to question Alhaitham's intentions the way he usually would. The degree of his self-loathing makes it difficult for him to trust when others say kind things. And yet in this case, he allows himself to believe in it. The reasoning, too, is simple, and it comes from the earnestness written all over the other man, the way he speaks so openly and honestly, the way Kaveh can read the hesitation and nervousness in his statements, heralding the need to protect his own feelings.

So he believes, and he's rewarded.

Kaveh watches the expressions change on Alhaitham's face, momentarily stunned by what is a show more beautiful than any he's seen even at the Zubayr Theater. For someone usually so stoic, watching him go from relief to content to happy is something amazing, and it makes Kaveh smile in turn. (And this time, the tears welling in the corners of his eyes are there for a nice reason.) ]

If you're happy, then I'm happy too, Alhaitham.

[ After the soft kiss, his hands slip around to the back of the other's neck, one creeping up to curl into his hair once more, and Kaveh tugs him in close, pressing their mouths together anew, something for now that is soft and sweet. ]

[ The kiss is... it's what he's always wanted. He's been stuck here in this situation where he didn't know if his feelings would ever be reciprocated, if he'd ever even have a chance, but the dam has broken and things have finally been revealed. It's a cathartic feeling, one that he didn't expect.

And now they kiss and Alhaitham sinks into it. He kisses Kaveh back so tenderly, so achingly sweet, his arms sliding down to curl around Kaveh's torso and pull him flush against his body. One hand splays flat on Kaveh's back, at the window of the back of his shirt and the other curls upwards, clutching his shoulder from behind.

With that he's able to just focus on the kiss, tilting his head to deepen it somewhat and gives a soft, pleased noise as they kiss. This is, again, all he wanted. ]

[ As Alhaitham allows himself to sink into the kiss, so too does Kaveh. One of his hands rests on the younger's chest, right over his heart so he can feel it thrumming so fast, too fast; the other slips around his shoulders, fingers cupping the back of his neck and tugging him in closer.

Archons, he's wanted this for so long, and he's been so afraid, but it was always so simple— he's such an idiot—

His brain still working overtime, he tilts his own head in answer, welcoming the deeper kiss, allowing it to distract him, allowing the sound Alhaitham makes to fill his mind, warm and welcoming. This, this is all he needs, not those worries, those guilts. All he needs is right here in his arms.

His tongue flicks, tasting over the other's lips, along the seam, fingers splaying wider along the other's nape as if he can somehow tug them even closer still. ]

[ Alhaitham is so painfully stoic sometimes but he can't hide the beating of his heart, the way kissing Kaveh makes his body come alive with want and desire. He wants to sink into it and as he feels Kaveh's tongue slide across his lips, it's easy for him to open his mouth and give him access.

Then, all that they can do is taste each other and Alhaitham kisses even harder, clutches Kaveh even tighter. They're flush against each other now but Alhaitham feels the same urge that Kaveh feels, the need to be so close that there's nothing between them at all. It makes him ache, fingers curling against Kaveh, gripping him tighter.

He wonders briefly what Kaveh wants. Does he want to have sex? The idea makes a hot heat twist in Alhaitham's gut but he doesn't want to pressure Kaveh into anything. This is all still new to them both and kissing is... honestly, good enough for Alhaitham. As long as he has Kaveh in his arms, he's happy. ]

[ With Kaveh's mind still flicking from thought to thought despite his repeatedly trying to distract it and shut it up, it's not much of a surprise that it all too soon alights on the same topic that briefly wanders through Alhaitham's thoughts— especially given the way they're pressed together, his blood rushing to answer the pleasure of their kisses, of the knowledge that the other wants this just as much as he does.

But where Alhaitham holds back out of a want not to pressure Kaveh, the older man once in is all in, and the headiness of their kisses and the feeling of being so close to him like this is overwhelmingly good, and—

He breaks their kiss, tongue teasingly flickering against him on the way, although he hovers close, mouth pressing between his words against the corner of Alhaitham's mouth, his jaw, the line of his throat. ]

I know you told me to go to bed before. Is it.. is it too soon for me to ask you to join me there?

[ New or not, he knows what he wants— what he's wanted for a long time. ]

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