indigently | 𝒪𝓅𝑒𝓃 𝓅𝑜𝓈𝓉 🏛️

Mmm..

[ tighnari's brow knits, his heart twisting, aching for his dear friend, though his fingers continue their work, moving through kaveh's soft blonde hair as he speaks. ]

There are medicines to help with withdrawal symptoms, but after that..

[ it isn't the pain of withdrawal that kaveh is referring to, is it? it's the ache of the thing that haunts him, whatever agony he is hiding, that he refuses to spill. tighnari would weep for him, if he weren't busying himself with being his rock, instead. ]

.. there are herbs and tinctures, healthier alternatives to help you cope with stress, but Kaveh - there's.. other work that would need to be done to help you heal. Work that no medicine can touch.

[ Work. He needs to do work. It sounds easy enough, but Kaveh knows what that means— work means opening the wounds back up, spilling the blood over someone who can clean the infection out of it, pour it back, stitch him up. It means telling someone. It means being honest in a way he hasn't been honest in years— in ever.

Biting his lip, Kaveh puts the cup back on the rim of the bath, curls his legs up, hugs his knees to hist chest as if trying to miraculously make himself smaller, harder to hurt. ]

I— [ He sucks in a deep breath, something more sob than anything else. ] I'm not sure I can... Nari, I— How am I meant to— I can't—

Kaveh..

[ tighnari breathes the sound of his name like a soft prayer, gentle and comforting and a little bit painful. it kills him to see someone so important to him in such pain; he can hardly stand it. but tighnari has always been a natural caregiver, a doctor, a tender of wounds, and he will do what he can to help kaveh heal.

right now, that means comfort, and closeness, he thinks. a reminder that he is not alone. tighnari's arms close around kaveh's shoulders, holding to him, bathwater sinking into his shirt, but he couldn't care less. ]

You can, and you must. I won't let you kill yourself like this. You're so much stronger than you think you are. What is it that you're afraid of?

[ At the feel of arms around his shoulders, Kaveh's head immediately turns, face pressing into his friend's arm; a heavy sob escapes him, and his nails press into the skin of his legs, biting crescents of red into the pale skin.

What is it that he fears? The answer— ]

It's my fault, Tighnari. [ It's only the second time in his life he's dared speak the words aloud; the other time, he was drunk, talking to someone about whose opinion he tried to convince himself he didn't care. ] If it weren't for me, my father would still be alive—

[ How is he meant to tell anyone that? Perhaps there's some small chance Tighnari will forgive him, but anyone else would just— hell, he'll be lucky if Tighnari doesn't— ]

I'm sorry, [ he whispers, breath catching in another sob. ] I'm so sorry.

You're.. what?

[ tighnari looks as puzzled as he sounds, his brow pinching together. what in the world could kaveh mean by that? that he was responsible for his father's death? how could that be? there must be far more to it.

he shakes his head. ]

Kaveh, what do you mean? How is it possibly your fault?

[ his father had died in the desert, hadn't he? far from anyone or anything that could have directly caused him harm purposefully.. ]

[ A deep, shuddering breath is Kaveh's attempt to calm himself, though in practice it does nothing other than make him sob it out again in the next moment. His grip on his own legs tightens, and what follows for the next few minutes are simply repeats: sharp inhales followed by shaky, sobbing exhales as Kaveh cries in a way he hasn't cried in years.

When he finally calms, it's to pull back, to wince as he levers his fingernails from the indents he's sliced into his own thighs, to look up at Tighnari through eyes even redder than normal and brimming with saltwater. ]

It was... during the last Interdarshan Championship, [ he murmurs, eyes falling again after only the barest of moments. ] I was young, and I saw the posters of the diadem. It was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen... I kept asking about it, and so he entered the tournament to try and win it. So I could... so I could play with it.

[ He falls silent, staring at the thin tendrils of blood wisping into the water from his legs. ]

S-Sorry. I— I hurt myself.

[ kaveh doesn't answer at first, only weeps painfully in a way that makes tighnari's heart twist in his breast, fiercely protective, ferociously loyal. he holds to his friend through it all, his arms around kaveh's shoulders, his head resting heavy against his nape, eyes closed. if kaveh wants to talk, he'll talk when he can breathe properly again.

which.. comes soon enough. tighnari lifts his head when kaveh shifts, frowns at the red crescents left in kaveh's thighs, but he can see to those later, the cuts are not deep. for now, he listens, instead. ]

Kaveh..

[ tighnari's head tilts, his ears folded back, his expression a mask of sympathy. ]

Why in the world would you blame yourself for such a thing? You were young. Any child would wish for such a thing. I urged my parents to get things for me all the time, there was no way you could have known.

[ shifting to be better able to look at him, tighnari pushes the hair from kaveh's damp face to better look into his eyes. ]

This is what has haunted you?

[ Tighnari's words are kind, kinder than Kaveh has any right to hear; the blonde sucks in a deep breath, and when the fennec's eyes seek to meet his, the crimson of his answers by dropping away, too ashamed to seek his friend out. Despite the other saying that he was young, that he couldn't have known, that he shouldn't blame himself—

He shakes his head, the words thick in his throat. ]

He entered the championship, and... he didn't win, but— [ Another shuddering breath, and Kaveh's fingers tense, the urge all too great to dig back into the soft skin of his thighs, just for something to cling onto. ] Sachin got to him, somehow. It changed him, and...

[ Kaveh shakes his head, trailing off. He died. Alone. In the desert. What else is there to say? ]

My mother, she... she's never been the same. If I hadn't asked—

[ This time, he covers his face with both hands, trying to hold back a fresh barrage of sobs. ]

Kaveh.. that is simply not how life works. Not how the cycle of death works.

[ he shakes his head, and seeing kaveh's hands tighten again, tighnari reaches to take them in his own, squeezing them tightly. ]

I need you to look at me, and listen, Kaveh. Really listen. Don't get lost in your own head, in the echo chamber of your own mind, listen.

[ tighnari moves around to the side of the tub just to be sure he can catch kaveh's eyes, and watch closely. ]

If you had not asked him, then what? Perhaps he would have gone somewhere else, and passed some other way. These things cannot be controlled; life is as cruel as it is beautiful, things and people can be taken away from you at any time. This was not your fault.

[ He's listening. He is, he is— he's trying to listen, but his thoughts are insistent, clamoring to get through even as Tighnari tells him to shut them out. His eyes move wildly, unable to meet the other's even as he actively seeks his gaze, and his breath comes quick, short, hissing against his lips as he tries to pull himself free of the tight hold his own mind has on him. ]

I—

[ His fingers clench against the side of the tub. ]

I know, I know people can die at any time, but— but if it happened later, in some other way, I... [ A sob tears its way from his throat, ripping the sentences in two; for a long moment, he's silent apart from his sharp, short breaths, sounding ragged and broken on his lips. ] Maybe I'd have had him for longer. And it... it wouldn't be my fault, my mother falling to pieces like she did—

[ For all Tighnari's words, the echo chamber is winning out, leaving the blonde to grip his own face, tug at his own hair, curl his legs up against his chest as he tries, tries— ]

[ tighnari is a medic, he knows the signs and symptoms of a panic attack, but medically speaking there is little enough to be done about it but wait for it to pass. he can do his best to mitigate it, and he has some herbs and tinctures that will calm the mind and sedate him, but he doesn't want to leave kaveh alone right now. not while he's so unstable. ]

Kaveh. [ he says the word sternly, but not unkindly. ] You need to calm down, just try to breathe for me, all right? Slowly. In through your nose, and out through your mouth.

[ tighnari knows full well that this is absolutely beyond him. kaveh needs help that he is not certified to give, but he must still do what he can. ]

Allowing yourself to feel the pain of his loss is important, and crucial to the healing process, but blaming yourself helps no one. Try to imagine it different. If I had told you this same story, about my father. Would you blame me?

[ Tighnari's words only distantly reach Kaveh's conscious mind, but a deeper part of him clings to the stern-voiced call of his name, to the instructive tone of the words that follow, fingers tensing against his face but stopping at least the frantic, panicked searching as if something on his face or in his hair holds the cure to the way his heart is aching.

In through the nose. Out through the mouth. Slow breaths that stutter and shatter into faster gasps, sobs, forcing him to start over: In. Out. In. Out.

In. ] S-Sorry. [ Out. ] I'm— I'm okay.

[ And he sits for a few moments, silent except the slow, ragged sound of his breathing, Tighnari's words sinking in moment by moment, letter by letter. If the situations had been reversed— if Tighnari had been the one whose father had been lost—

The shake of his head is slow, hesitant— but it's real. ]

No. [ His voice is a whisper. ] I wouldn't blame you.

[ tighnari knows full well that overcoming a panic attack isn't as easy as a few little words, but it seems like his presence is helping, that his words are piercing the thick veil that kaveh shields himself with, however minutely. it's enough. it'll have to be enough. ]

You have nothing to apologize for.

[ he says gently, still coaching kaveh's breathing. in. out. in. out.

tighnari's hands smooth over kaveh's shoulders, then down his arms, taking his trembling hands. ]

Just try to think about that, okay? Try to think about why that is. Why you wouldn't blame me. Let's get you up and dried off, all right?

[ Try to think. Those are the words Kaveh focuses on, the ones he clings to the way he does Tighnari's hands as they slide down his arms to take his own They're a spark of light in the swirling miasma of panic, a lifeline in the stormy sea of his own doubt and fear.

Why wouldn't Kaveh blame Tighnari? He wouldn't blame Tighnari because— because—

Even in the middle of a panic attack, he understands why the other wants him to find the answer to that question— why he wants Kaveh to tell him how he'd feel if their roles were reversed. Because Kaveh would never blame Tighnari for something he couldn't control, something that may have happened even without his input. And if he can say that about someone else—

No. No. He doesn't deserve to be free of this so easily—

Try to think— Just focus— ]

Y-Yeah. Okay. Dried off.

[ it will take time - time, and discipline - for kaveh to really think it through and settle onto the logical answer here, the knowledge that of course it wasn't his fault. who would blame a child for encouraging their father? how many times had tighnari done the same, urging his own parents to bring him gifts and souvenirs from their travels? it could very easily have happened to him as well, he was simply fortunate that it didn't.

but kaveh has years of self-blame to undo, and it won't be done in a single night, but over many weeks, months, perhaps years. yet tighnari will help him all the way, will always be there to guide him and support him up and sternly chastise him when it's needed. and even still, for as painful as it has been, this night certainly feels like a breakthrough, as if the festering abscess in kaveh's heart has finally been ruptured, spilling its sick infection so the wound can at last be properly cleaned. ]

Yes. One step at a time.

[ and so tighnari helps kaveh from the bath, helps him to dry off and wick the moisture from his hair, not because kaveh can't do it himself, but because tighnari wants to be there for him, every moment. once kaveh is dry, tighnari hands him an oversized robe to wrap into. it's a little bit short for him, but it should still fit comfortably. ]

Okay. Let's get some tea into you.

[ One step at a time, Tighnari says, and Kaveh hates how right now even that sounds hard, how the thought of putting one foot in front of the other feels like it could drown him. But he doesn't say that; instead, he climbs from the bath like he's meant to, stands in silence as his friend works the water from his hair, his breath unsteady, but gradually slowing.

Dazed eyes search Tighnari's face though as Kaveh slips into the robe, something in them that isn't entirely comprehending of what's been said. ] Tea, [ he mumbles. That soft, confused gaze slips to the cup on the rim of the tub. ] Didn't I just—

[ For a wild second, he wonders if he's finally snapped, if the last of his reason has shattered and left him imagining things that never happened. The panic tries to seize his heart again, and Kaveh chokes back a gasp. His eyes flick back to Tighnari, though, and there's kindness in his friend's face, something that grounds him, brings him back to reality even in the midst of the panic. His breathing continues to slow despite the troubled expression on his face, and instead of assuming, he asks. ]

Didn't I just drink tea?

[ tighnari smiles. ]

Different tea. A concoction for your nerves.

[ nothing so strong or dangerous or debilitating as alcohol, but it will help nonetheless. once kaveh is in his robe, tighnari leads him out of the washroom again and back into the main living area, where he slips his hand into kaveh's to tug him toward the bed. it's soft, and very inviting, packed with pillows and a thick blanket. ]

Sit, and rest, while I whip something up for you.

Oh.

[ Yeah, that makes sense. Kaveh nods, letting Tighnari lead him out to the living area and tug him over to the bed. Another nod when his friend tells him to sit and rest, and then he curls up into the blanket and pillows, not just sitting but almost lying, absorbing the small comforts for what they are.

It's not his fault, Tighnari says, that his father died— he was just a kid, doing what little kids do— and Kaveh knows how easy it would be to say those words to someone else, even as he fails to forgive himself. Why can't he forgive himself—

He can feel the panic welling up again and bites down on his lip, fingers clenching into the blanket as he tries to calm himself down.

Breathe in. Breathe out. ]

[ it doesn't take tighnari long to do his work, to fish out the correct herbs and get the water boiling, and soon enough the tea is steeping, its medicinal scent filling the small hut. while he waits for it to fully infuse, tighnari moves to kaveh's side again, and pulls the blankets up over his body.

a warm smile curves his mouth, and he reaches to brush the hair from kaveh's eyes. ]

I'm proud of you. For telling me. I know it wasn't easy.

[ like as not it was one of the most difficult things kaveh has done in a long time. ]

[ The scent filling the hut is already calming, not to mention the fingers gently brushing through his hair once the blankets are pulled over him. Along with Tighnari's voice, they help battle against the panic trying to resurface, quieten it until he can offer a weak smile in return, nod at the other through blurry crimson eyes. ]

I— No one else knows, [ he says eventually, the words thick on his tongue, something soft and pleading in the cadence of his words. ] Only Alhaitham and— and now you.

[ The rest, unspoken: Please don't tell anyone. ]

[ tighnari's lips form a thin line. of course he won't tell anyone if that's what kaveh wishes, but.. he still hopes that a time will come when kaveh is not ashamed of these facts anymore, a time that he knows and understands full well that none of this is his fault. it never has been, and it never will be. ]

I understand.

[ he says, and draws away to collect and strain the tea, which has finished steeping by now. carrying it back, tighnari sits at the edge of the bed and hands it down. ]

This will help. I'll prepare a concentrated tincture that'll be easier to take. Get some sleep, Kaveh.

Thanks.

[ It's barely even a whisper. He can see from the thin line of Tighnari's lips that it's not what the other wants from him, but he can't bring himself to promise anything else right now, not when he is barely holding himself together as it is.

And then his friend leaves, and comes back with the tea, and Kaveh can only say the same word again. He sips at it quietly, eyes low, nodding. ]

Yeah... I'll try.

[ When the tea is finished, he'll lie down and cocoon himself in the blankets, eyes closed, focusing on his breath.

Day Zero. ]

Edited 2023-10-01 14:24 (UTC)

𝒪𝓅𝑒𝓃 𝓅𝑜𝓈𝓉 🏛️

nodding emoji

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tw for accidentalish self-harm lsdg

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cw because this is devolving fast into a panic attack

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