indigently | 𝒪𝓅𝑒𝓃 𝓅𝑜𝓈𝓉 🏛️

[ No more wine.

Kaveh's not sure why that's such a horrific thought in his head. Maybe it's because, without wine— without alcohol— he'll have to face sober the thoughts that plague his mind day in and day out. The grief. The guilt. Every single difficulty— ]

But... [ And his voice is rough, raw, Kaveh choking back the lump in his throat in an effort to make a joke, to hide the realism of the panic rising in his chest at the idea of trying to deal with all of this. If Tighnari knows he's going to pieces over the thought of not being able to drink, it will only solidify in the other's mind that he has a problem—

And he doesn't, he's okay, he just needs the worst of this time to be over— ]

But if I don't have wine, how am I going to get through Cyno's jokes?

[ he more or less expected this - that kaveh would resist. he's doesn't voice it loudly, but tighnari can feel his tension, and sense it in his voice. an addict never wants to give up their substance of choice, and no doubt the very idea of it is enough to put kaveh on edge, to terrify him. but there is no other course of action. ]

Very funny. There are plenty of other mechanisms you can use to cope.

[ tighnari drops the hand that he is holding, but only so he can wrap both arms around kaveh's shoulders, holding him nearer, resting his chin atop that blonde head. ]

.. how about this -

[ he ventures, softly. ]

I'll come to the city to stay with you, for awhile. I can help you get through this, and keep you company when you're not feeling well.

[ and.. to monitor his progress, to make sure he does not need a medical intervention. alcohol is a dangerous substance to withdrawal from. and all the while, he can get kaveh the help he needs to learn to better cope with his pain, healthier ways to process his grief. ]

[ Maybe he should just say yes. Tell Tighnari okay and then learn to hide it better, be smarter about what he drinks and when he drinks it. Keep it to himself so that he can weather the worst of times when they come without needing to face them head on. That way, isn't everyone happy?

But he's not a liar— he just can't do it, and instead he turns, presses his face into the other man's shoulder as those arms wrap around him, and a soft sob cracks his voice, has him suddenly shedding all the tears he's been trying to hide, fingers reaching, gripping at his friend's shirt sleeve as the sounds tear his throat. ]

I don't know I can do it. It's— it's too hard, Tighnari, it's too much, and I don't know how to deal with it otherwise!

[ If only, if only grief were the only thing driving him to drink. It would be so much easier to give it up if he wasn't constantly on the run from himself. ]

[ as much as kaveh's reaction might break his heart, in some ways, it is exactly what he wants to hear. old, festering wounds must be lanced and drained of ichor and pus, the infection leeched away, there is no other way but to cut through the flesh. this brings pain. anguish. but it is the only way to heal. tighnari needs kaveh's honesty right now, not his false bravado. ]

I know.

[ he says, his voice as soft as a flower's petal, as he presses a line of peppered kisses to kaveh's hair. oh, the memories it brings.. it was only so many years ago, after all, that kaveh held him in this way while he wept with relief and joy and pain, his long hair in a pile at his feet. ]

I know it feels that way, but it isn't the truth. You're so strong, Kaveh, and your heart is so warm, and kind. You don't have to do this alone. I'll be with you.

[ one hand smooths down kaveh's back, up again, down again, a soothing rhythm. ]

There are many healthy ways to cope with pain. We'll find one that works for you.

[ It's all he can do not to break down in loud sobs; as it is, the sounds he makes are soft, sniffled into Tighnari's shirt as they shake his shoulders and the fingers with which he grips the other. He's not as strong as Tighnari thinks. He's a mess. He doesn't know what he's meant to do, how he's meant to—

A breath becomes a hiccup, and Kaveh tries to get himself back under control, trying in vain to breathe through the worst of it so that he might put himself at some sort of ease. ]

I don't want to do this, [ he says, and his voice is small, shaking with its last attempt to put the other man off helping him, to somehow allow him to run and hide with what limited alcohol he can afford. He's not going to kill himself on the stuff, isn't that enough?

Besides, he doesn't deserve to be happy anyway. ]

I know you don't.

[ he says, softly, and tighnari's hand smooths up and down his back in warm and gentle circles. would that he could share kaveh's pain, alleviate some of the load, but this is the best that he can manage, all he can offer. whatever kaveh is going through, drowning himself in alcohol is only going to make it worse - he needs to be clear-headed to face his problems, and move forward. alcoholism is a slippery slope, and even someone as brilliant as kaveh isn't immune to its clutches. ]

I know it sounds like one of the hardest things you've ever had to face, but you aren't alone. I'm going to help you, just like you've helped me.

[ closing his eyes, tighnari presses another kiss to the crown of kaveh's blonde head, allowing it to linger. ]

It's getting cold. Let's get back inside, hmm?

...Yeah, okay.

[ The tendrils of panic are ever-present, threatening to choke the life out of him, to throw him in a shallow pool and leave him to drown in it. In fact, perhaps the only thing that doesn't stop him from freaking out completely is the fact that he hasn't actually agreed to anything, hasn't actually told Tighnari he'll do it. He's sure the other would judge him just a little if he knew, would see it as more proof that this is something Kaveh needs, but that's okay. For as much as Kaveh loves him, the Forest Watcher just doesn't quite understand—

Something for which, of course, Kaveh is grateful. He wouldn't wish these feelings on anyone.

He pulls himself back, reaching up to smudge an embarrassing number of tears away from his eyes, his gaze not quite meeting the other man's. ]

[ tighnari helps, reaching to thumb the tears from kaveh's eyes, his heart breaking at the sight of his face. still, he can't help but feel that this is a step forward. a small step, perhaps, but.. a step nonetheless.

and so they stand, and tighnari loops his arm through one of kaveh's as they walk back to gandharva ville, back to tighnari's cozy little home, where a warm light waits to greet them. the moment they arrive, he's immediately putting the kettle on. ]

Would you like a bath before bed?

[ Kaveh, who is usually so forward and outgoing, is a step behind Tighnari as they walk back to his place, his arm looped through the Forest Ranger's but his steps a little more halting than they might usually be. Despite the knowledge that he has an out, something about the whole thing is terrifying to the point that he doesn't really know what to do with himself.

So a bath sounds nice.

A bath with wine in hand sounds nicer, but he's a smart enough man not to ask for a drink right now. ]

Y-Yeah. Yeah I think I would, please.

[ he does have an out, and tighnari is very aware of that, very aware of the fact that kaveh hasn't technically agreed to anything, but.. tighnari still has to try. still has to have hope. changing something so drastic as this is a big ask, even if it's absolutely for kaveh's own good, and tighnari knows he must be fighting a silent internal battle here, wrestling with himself over what is the right thing to do, or perhaps, how to escape it entirely.

one step at a time. first, they need to get through tonight. ]

Great. I'll start it up for you.

[ so while the kettle heats, tighnari steps into the adjacent room to begin running the water. his home is not very big, not nearly so beautiful as alhaitham's, but it's still cozy, and clean, and more than enough. a few moments later he emerges again, flicking water from his padded fingertips. ]

I'll bring you some tea when it's finished.

[ Tighnari might be thinking along the lines of taking a day at a time; for Kaveh, it's more about each moment. Each step on the way back to the other's place, each second ticking by alone as a bath is drawn for him, each instance of the pendulum swinging back and forth in his mind, traveling back and forth on an axis of indecision that leaves him feeling sicker with each oscillation.

To run, to pretend this conversation never happened—

Or the other option he can't allow himself to accept even in his own mind.

When his friend comes back from drawing the bath, Kaveh offers him a wan smile, a slight nod in response to his words. ]

Mm. Okay. ...Thanks.

[ He's not sure what else to say, so he pads quietly into the adjacent room, disrobing and slipping into the heated water. Against the gathering cold of the night, the warmth feels delightful against his skin, but it's a sensation a far second to the tangle of feelings in his stomach and chest.

Archons, he feels like he's going to be sick. ]

[ to be honest, tighnari half expects that kaveh will bolt while his back is turned, leaving in the middle of the night to escape back to sumeru city while tighnari is occupied, so he's surprised, but happy, to find him still here.

he looks absolutely, abjectly miserable.

tighnari's heart twists with sympathy, and he draws a hand along kaveh's arm as he passes, before seeing to the tea. the house is quiet as tighnari works, save for the hum from his aquarium, and the bubbling of water as it simmers. filling two mugs with some pleasant, relaxing herbal mixes, tighnari steeps the tea, before gathering them into his hands and carrying them into the washroom, pushing the door open with his hip.

there's a wooden lip around the tub, and tighnari sets both cups onto it, before reaching to gently, carefully smooth his fingers through kaveh's soft hair. ]

Let me wash your hair for you.

[ It's probably something of a miracle that Kaveh doesn't bolt, in the long run. Certainly, the desire to do so exists, strong and beating in sync with his heart, but the respect and love he holds for Tighnari holds him back, keeps him in the tub despite the growing panic in his gut.

And so he's still there when the other comes back in, eyes closed against the tears threatening to well in their depths; they open for a moment at the sound of the cup placed gently on the lip of the tub, close again at the feel of fingers in his hair, and he nods at the words, swallowing against the thickness in his throat. ]

Yeah... okay. That sounds... that would be nice. Thanks.

[ His fingers are trembling as they reach for the cup, taking it in both hands to bring it to his lips. ]

[ tighnari is no fool. he knows what kaveh is feeling, what he is thinking - they've been friends for so long now, been through so much together, and tighnari is emotionally intelligent enough to know what his friend must be experiencing. he's also dealt with addiction before, he's seen how it affects people, how it takes over their minds and clouds their judgment. it would have been strange if kaveh didn't want to bolt. right now, tighnari was a threat, trying to take away his source of comfort, however destructive it might have been.

he can only.. do his best to help. ]

Mmm.

[ lifting an empty cup from beside him, tighnari fills it with water and begins to wet kaveh's hair, from scalp to ends. he's quiet as he works, his padded fingers gentle, and before long, he's pouring out a palmful of shampoo. ]

I won't try to make smalltalk with you. I won't ignore what you're going through, right now. If you want to talk, I'm here. If not, we'll be quiet.

[ Kaveh tips the warm tea against his lips, sipping at it as Tighnari's gentle fingers work through his hair. The sharp taste of herb steeped in water works quickly to clear the fog of stress and panic from his head, another swing of the pendulum taking him temporarily to a better place, a more logical place— as logical as he can be in their current situation, at least. ]

You said... [ He interrupts himself with a deep, shuddering breath. ] You said there are other ways to manage the pain. Tell me.

[ Perhaps he sounds demanding, even through the tiredness of the emotion overtaking his voice. But the thing about alcohol is that it hides the pain, makes it easier to pretend that it doesn't exist. Padisarah leaf smoke, a favored recreational relaxant by many locals, only serves to make him paranoid, and even the more legal stress-reducing herbs don't help for long. It's hard, too hard—

If he's to see a way forward, he has to know how to manage it. ]

Mmm..

[ tighnari's brow knits, his heart twisting, aching for his dear friend, though his fingers continue their work, moving through kaveh's soft blonde hair as he speaks. ]

There are medicines to help with withdrawal symptoms, but after that..

[ it isn't the pain of withdrawal that kaveh is referring to, is it? it's the ache of the thing that haunts him, whatever agony he is hiding, that he refuses to spill. tighnari would weep for him, if he weren't busying himself with being his rock, instead. ]

.. there are herbs and tinctures, healthier alternatives to help you cope with stress, but Kaveh - there's.. other work that would need to be done to help you heal. Work that no medicine can touch.

[ Work. He needs to do work. It sounds easy enough, but Kaveh knows what that means— work means opening the wounds back up, spilling the blood over someone who can clean the infection out of it, pour it back, stitch him up. It means telling someone. It means being honest in a way he hasn't been honest in years— in ever.

Biting his lip, Kaveh puts the cup back on the rim of the bath, curls his legs up, hugs his knees to hist chest as if trying to miraculously make himself smaller, harder to hurt. ]

I— [ He sucks in a deep breath, something more sob than anything else. ] I'm not sure I can... Nari, I— How am I meant to— I can't—

Kaveh..

[ tighnari breathes the sound of his name like a soft prayer, gentle and comforting and a little bit painful. it kills him to see someone so important to him in such pain; he can hardly stand it. but tighnari has always been a natural caregiver, a doctor, a tender of wounds, and he will do what he can to help kaveh heal.

right now, that means comfort, and closeness, he thinks. a reminder that he is not alone. tighnari's arms close around kaveh's shoulders, holding to him, bathwater sinking into his shirt, but he couldn't care less. ]

You can, and you must. I won't let you kill yourself like this. You're so much stronger than you think you are. What is it that you're afraid of?

[ At the feel of arms around his shoulders, Kaveh's head immediately turns, face pressing into his friend's arm; a heavy sob escapes him, and his nails press into the skin of his legs, biting crescents of red into the pale skin.

What is it that he fears? The answer— ]

It's my fault, Tighnari. [ It's only the second time in his life he's dared speak the words aloud; the other time, he was drunk, talking to someone about whose opinion he tried to convince himself he didn't care. ] If it weren't for me, my father would still be alive—

[ How is he meant to tell anyone that? Perhaps there's some small chance Tighnari will forgive him, but anyone else would just— hell, he'll be lucky if Tighnari doesn't— ]

I'm sorry, [ he whispers, breath catching in another sob. ] I'm so sorry.

You're.. what?

[ tighnari looks as puzzled as he sounds, his brow pinching together. what in the world could kaveh mean by that? that he was responsible for his father's death? how could that be? there must be far more to it.

he shakes his head. ]

Kaveh, what do you mean? How is it possibly your fault?

[ his father had died in the desert, hadn't he? far from anyone or anything that could have directly caused him harm purposefully.. ]

[ A deep, shuddering breath is Kaveh's attempt to calm himself, though in practice it does nothing other than make him sob it out again in the next moment. His grip on his own legs tightens, and what follows for the next few minutes are simply repeats: sharp inhales followed by shaky, sobbing exhales as Kaveh cries in a way he hasn't cried in years.

When he finally calms, it's to pull back, to wince as he levers his fingernails from the indents he's sliced into his own thighs, to look up at Tighnari through eyes even redder than normal and brimming with saltwater. ]

It was... during the last Interdarshan Championship, [ he murmurs, eyes falling again after only the barest of moments. ] I was young, and I saw the posters of the diadem. It was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen... I kept asking about it, and so he entered the tournament to try and win it. So I could... so I could play with it.

[ He falls silent, staring at the thin tendrils of blood wisping into the water from his legs. ]

S-Sorry. I— I hurt myself.

[ kaveh doesn't answer at first, only weeps painfully in a way that makes tighnari's heart twist in his breast, fiercely protective, ferociously loyal. he holds to his friend through it all, his arms around kaveh's shoulders, his head resting heavy against his nape, eyes closed. if kaveh wants to talk, he'll talk when he can breathe properly again.

which.. comes soon enough. tighnari lifts his head when kaveh shifts, frowns at the red crescents left in kaveh's thighs, but he can see to those later, the cuts are not deep. for now, he listens, instead. ]

Kaveh..

[ tighnari's head tilts, his ears folded back, his expression a mask of sympathy. ]

Why in the world would you blame yourself for such a thing? You were young. Any child would wish for such a thing. I urged my parents to get things for me all the time, there was no way you could have known.

[ shifting to be better able to look at him, tighnari pushes the hair from kaveh's damp face to better look into his eyes. ]

This is what has haunted you?

[ Tighnari's words are kind, kinder than Kaveh has any right to hear; the blonde sucks in a deep breath, and when the fennec's eyes seek to meet his, the crimson of his answers by dropping away, too ashamed to seek his friend out. Despite the other saying that he was young, that he couldn't have known, that he shouldn't blame himself—

He shakes his head, the words thick in his throat. ]

He entered the championship, and... he didn't win, but— [ Another shuddering breath, and Kaveh's fingers tense, the urge all too great to dig back into the soft skin of his thighs, just for something to cling onto. ] Sachin got to him, somehow. It changed him, and...

[ Kaveh shakes his head, trailing off. He died. Alone. In the desert. What else is there to say? ]

My mother, she... she's never been the same. If I hadn't asked—

[ This time, he covers his face with both hands, trying to hold back a fresh barrage of sobs. ]

Kaveh.. that is simply not how life works. Not how the cycle of death works.

[ he shakes his head, and seeing kaveh's hands tighten again, tighnari reaches to take them in his own, squeezing them tightly. ]

I need you to look at me, and listen, Kaveh. Really listen. Don't get lost in your own head, in the echo chamber of your own mind, listen.

[ tighnari moves around to the side of the tub just to be sure he can catch kaveh's eyes, and watch closely. ]

If you had not asked him, then what? Perhaps he would have gone somewhere else, and passed some other way. These things cannot be controlled; life is as cruel as it is beautiful, things and people can be taken away from you at any time. This was not your fault.

[ He's listening. He is, he is— he's trying to listen, but his thoughts are insistent, clamoring to get through even as Tighnari tells him to shut them out. His eyes move wildly, unable to meet the other's even as he actively seeks his gaze, and his breath comes quick, short, hissing against his lips as he tries to pull himself free of the tight hold his own mind has on him. ]

I—

[ His fingers clench against the side of the tub. ]

I know, I know people can die at any time, but— but if it happened later, in some other way, I... [ A sob tears its way from his throat, ripping the sentences in two; for a long moment, he's silent apart from his sharp, short breaths, sounding ragged and broken on his lips. ] Maybe I'd have had him for longer. And it... it wouldn't be my fault, my mother falling to pieces like she did—

[ For all Tighnari's words, the echo chamber is winning out, leaving the blonde to grip his own face, tug at his own hair, curl his legs up against his chest as he tries, tries— ]

𝒪𝓅𝑒𝓃 𝓅𝑜𝓈𝓉 🏛️

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just casually invents teyvat-flavored weed

nodding emoji

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tw for accidentalish self-harm lsdg

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cw because this is devolving fast into a panic attack

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