indigently | 𝒪𝓅𝑒𝓃 𝓅𝑜𝓈𝓉 🏛️

[ It's stupid, it's so stupid, but the way Alhaitham answers makes his heart pound in his chest. It's not the first time that he has cut through to the core of Kaveh's problems with an answer so succinct it scares him. He sighs, and runs his hands through his hair. It would be so easy to get angry, but.. what's the point? Experience has already proven that running away from Alhaitham doesn't work out. ]

Companionship would be nice, but we both know that's not going to happen for me, Alhaitham. I'm not exactly..

[ He frowns, looking at the words. What is he meant to say? Spell out that he's hardly a catch, with his solvency issues and the boatload of other problems? They both know that, so what's the point? Really, he— ]

Ugh. Forget it.
I don't feel emotionally ready anymore.

I guess you get your way again.

[ Alhaitham knows exactly what he's going to say. That he's not a catch, that he has all these reasons wrong with him and that no one would ever want him. Alhaitham disagrees with that, of course, but he knows Kaveh won't believe him. ]

You act like I want you to be alone. I don't. I think you're worth more than you give yourself credit for, but I imagine you don't want to hear that from me.

[ He.. isn't sure how he feels about that. But probably not for the reasons Alhaitham thinks. Truth be told, it's just... such a nice thing for him to say, and Kaveh doesn't usually think of him as saying nice things. ]

I know I complain about the way you talk, but I think I prefer that to you saying things you've decided I need to hear in order to feel better.

I'm worth exactly what I'm worth, there's no need to try and pretend otherwise.

Have I ever said anything because of obligation? If I'm saying something it's because I mean to say it, I wouldn't waste my words otherwise.

Though I suppose I AM wasting my words with you because even when I say what I mean, you're going to have the least flattering interpretation of them in order to justify whatever anxious self-deprecating thoughts are floating around in your head. You WANT me as your enemy instead of whatever else I could be for you.

[ He knows even as he sends the message that he's in the wrong. Alhaitham isn't the type to say things simply out of obligation. He says what he means, and he means what he says, even when it isn't the most socially correct thing to say.

Still, the response makes him frown, a fresh anger flaring in the base of his spine. ]

What the fuck, Alhaitham? I've NEVER wanted you to be my enemy!!

[ Never mind that he's the one who, those years ago, single-handedly declared an end to their friendship. ]

But it has NOTHING TO DO with my "self-deprecating thoughts" and EVERYTHING to do with the fact that you don't stop to think about how people with actual feelings might react to the things you say!

[ And then follows a moment of silence while he re-reads Alhaitham's text, still fuming— and then confused and frustrated too. ]

If you feel like you're wasting your words, don't bother.

You're not making sense anyway... what else do you think you could possibly be for me?

[ There's no way it would ever be what Kaveh has always wanted it to be, somewhere deep down beyond the frustration and the hurt that clouded his decision to walk away in the first place. ]

[ Maybe... Maybe it's Alhaitham's turn to be a bit hurt. He's nursed this desire for Kaveh for far too long and never really expected it to go anywhere because every word out of Kaveh's mouth is about how incompatible they are, how he can't stand Alhaitham, how Alhaitham is the worst person to be around, so on and so forth.

But there's only so many times a guy can take it, even Alhaitham. So, maybe he's a bit over it tonight because he's a little bit jealous of Kaveh wanting to find companionship with someone other than him, and a little bit frustrated with Kaveh for not considering his advice at all and just viewing it as an attack.

Alhaitham has to put his phone down, take a breath, try and collect himself before he replies. It means that he doesn't reply for a good, long time. It's about twenty minutes before he returns to his phone and finally types his response to Kaveh. ]

It doesn't matter, Kaveh. We're not even friends.

[ Kaveh spends most of those twenty minutes pacing, especially once Alhaitham doesn't reply straight away. Even before the other's statement, he's positive he's finally pushed it too far.

What he's not expecting is how much he dreads that fact, when it's been something he's been trying to do for years.

The truth is, after all, that Kaveh has never expected Alhaitham to want to stick around for too long. The younger man has his life together in a way Kaveh simply does not, probably never will, and the blonde's eternal fear is that of letting him in only to find himself pushed away when Alhaitham realizes what a mistake he's made.

It's easier, then, to do the pushing away himself. On his own terms. To say out loud that they're not friends, to threaten to move out in each and every breath, to complain loudly about him to everyone who will listen,

and yet

and yet, he feels sick to see the other finally acknowledge it for himself. Enough that his fingers shake and his eyes blur as he formulates his reply. ]

Since when has that stopped you?
You've alwaus said exactly what you want to asy, whethr I wanna hear it or not
so go on?

[ It would figure that Kaveh would push, would still want to hear whatever it is Alhaitham wants to say. It's Alhaitham's fault, really, for adding that last part before. He wasn't thinking straight, should've kept his message concise and now like a dog with a bone, Kaveh won't let it go. Figures.

He notices the typos when the message comes in and sighs before slumping back in his chair. Kaveh must be drinking again, he assumes. What other reason is there for his messy words? What's the point of this if Kaveh is just going to forget about it in the morning? Just another stupid fight, one that won't change a thing. ]

I'd rather not say. You're not going to listen to me and only going to view it as an attack no matter how I word it. You're drunk, Kaveh, just go to bed. None of this matters.

[ His heart... hurts. His heart hurts, and that's a new thing. ]

I'm not drunk

[ But even as he sends it, he knows that that won't be enough. Alhaitham sounds— can you even sound over text, he wonders— upset somehow, and every time he re-reads the message the feeling he has only gets worse, as if he's broken something more irreparably than before.

(Isn't this what he wanted?)

He shouldn't, but he gets up, storms his way over to Alhaitham's room on shaking legs, raps a hard fist against the flat of the door. He's shaking, but he's not drunk. He hasn't had a single drop to drink tonight— something he's regretting more and more as this mess progresses. ]

Alhaitham?

[ He's meant to make the other hate him and walk away safe. He's not meant to regret this. ]

[ He hears the sound of Kaveh's feet on the floor before the knocking comes and he has to sigh, dropping his head back and looking up at the ceiling. If he had his headphones on, he could make the excuse that he didn't hear it and ignore Kaveh but he doesn't. He's made himself comfortable for the night, in a house shirt and house pants and so he can't even leave to get away from this.

Unfortunate.

He gets up from his reading chair, where he was settled for the night reading when he first got Kaveh's message, and heads towards the bedroom door. He'll open it, leaning against the doorjamb with his arms crossed over his chest and a frown on his face. Kaveh looks... upset and Alhaitham can immediately spot the wetness of his eyes which just makes the urge well up in him to fix it somehow. But he tried that, didn't he?

So, his guard is up and his expression is blank as he looks back at Kaveh. ]

What is it?

[ What is it? Alhaitham asks, and Kaveh suddenly realizes that he doesn't know what to say. His gaze drops, wet and reddened crimson eyes staring at the other's feet on the floor, his breath rattling in his lungs as he tries to sort through the myriad of emotions that had him barreling off of his own bed and to the other's room. He mimics the other by accident, arms crossing over his chest— a self-defense mechanism— as he responds with the only thing he can think of to say at the moment: ]

I'm not drunk.

[ His voice is sullen, a tremble hidden in its words. He shouldn't have come over here; he should have just agreed, let Alhaitham say they're not friends just like he's said himself so many times before now—

instead, he let it cut to his core and sting with the same ache from which he's been trying to run.

All he can do right now is insist. ]

I'm not drunk, so tell me.

[ It's so hard. Being around Kaveh is so hard. Alhaitham can usually manage it, keep his own feelings in check through rationality and objectivity. Kaveh doesn't want him — not like that. He's made that more than clear enough. Their relationship is fraught and barely civil, no matter how many times Alhaitham thinks he's approaching Kaveh in a sensible manner. Kaveh always finds a reason to explode at him, to find fault in his words, to be hurt in some way.

Ironic, really, since the last thing Alhaitham ever wants to do is hurt Kaveh.

Tonight though, Kaveh's words stung deeper than usual and Alhaitham is nursing a hurt of his own. He wishes he could just lose himself in a book, or go to bed and not have to deal with these heavy feelings in his chest. But of course, Kaveh demanded his attention like always and so here he is. Kaveh wants to know what he meant, Kaveh won't let it go.

But Alhaitham doesn't want to answer. What else could he be for Kaveh? A partner, a friend, real companionship that he craves so desperately and Alhaitham wants to give to him. Alhaitham finds Kaveh's mother's words haunting even him — companionship she told Kaveh to seek out and yet Alhaitham is left out of the equation every time.

Alhaitham's hand reaches out, cups Kaveh's cheek in his broad palm, and his thumb swipes over the underside of Kaveh's eye, brushing away his tears. Then he sighs. ]

You're upset. Nothing I say is going to help. Just... just go to bed, Kaveh.

[ He sounds a little defeated at the end there. ]

[ Despite himself, despite everything he's promised himself, Kaveh's breath catches when Alhaitham's hand reaches to cup his cheek. He tilts his head into the touch, his eyes closing— and again, he shouldn't, it flies in the face of everything he's been trying to do for the last however long, but when push comes to shove he can't help himself, not when his heart aches so badly.

Not when Alhaitham sounds— ]

Of course I'm upset. [ He looks back up at him, trying to ignore the warble in his own voice, the way that fresh tears immediately fill the space left behind by those the younger man swipes away. ] You... said we're not friends.

[ On the surface, it's an ironic complaint for Kaveh to make. He's the one who has always insisted against there being any sort of friendship left between them. He's the one who claims that he can't stand Alhaitham. He's the one who makes grand plans over and over again to move out, to finally be free.

But— ]

You've never said that before.

[ But it hurts. And maybe that makes him a coward when that hurt is always what he's been seeking, the chance to run from it before it's even begun, but he can't stand it. ]

[ Of course it's that that made Kaveh upset. Alhaitham has been careful to never say that they're not friends but never say that they are friends either. Because the truth of the matter is that they're neither. There is connection here, a bond that cannot be severed so easily, the two of them strung together by fate or luck or whatever you want to call it. Alhaitham can acknowledge that much.

Yet, he knows that Kaveh won't. He doesn't want to give, doesn't want to acknowledge Alhaitham as anything but his oppressive roommate, the bane of his existence, the reason for his woes. In order to feel better about himself, Alhaitham must be the villain. This is something Alhaitham has long since recognized about their dynamic and he's taken it in relative stride. His ego is not fragile enough to be bruised by something like this.

It also means though that there is no room for progression. Alhaitham only recognized his feelings for Kaveh after he came back into his life and quickly came to the decision that he would not reveal them to Kaveh. He knew it wouldn't be well received and that it would shake their already unsteady foundation. So, he kept it to himself.

So, they're not friends, and they're not lovers either, and Alhaitham just accepted that.

His mouth pulls into a thin line and his thumb swipes at the fresh tears that spill down Kaveh's face. He wishes it was easier to just... not take care of Kaveh. He wishes that for one moment, these feelings didn't crawl up his throat and make his heart hurt and shake him with the urge to gather Kaveh in his arms and try to make the world go away. Life would be so much easier if he could just truly disconnect. ]

Kaveh...

[ A sigh. ]

What is it that you want from me?

I—

[ But he falls silent as quickly as he opens his mouth. There's really no way for him to explain what he wants. Not only because it's so horribly complicated, but because he's terrified to speak it into reality.

It's easier to pretend Alhaitham is the villain, not because it makes him feel better about himself, but because it makes him feel better about pushing him away, putting walls between them— something he's only doing in the first place so that the other can't do it to him first. Because why wouldn't he? He makes no secret of how he feels about Kaveh's everything that elder of the two already struggles to understand why he keeps him around as it is. Alhaitham knows all his flaws, understands him better than anyone else, so—

Kaveh takes a step back, out of the other's touch, his palms lifting to rub at his own cheeks as if to erase not only his tears but the lingering sensation of care.

It's okay. It's okay if Alhaitham is ready to reject him finally. He's ready for it. He can take it. It's better than letting him get close and losing him. Isn't it?

(He can't lose anyone else. Not like that.) ]

It doesn't matter what I want. It was stupid of me to think about it anyway. Sorry for bothering you. I think I might just... I'll just go down to Lambad's and have a drink or two. You don't have to worry about me, okay?

[ Another step back. Something about their conversation, the question, the other's gentle touch, all of it combined— it activates his instinct to run. ]

Sorry.

Edited 2024-06-08 08:20 (UTC)

[ He can't let Kaveh leave.

It's the first thought that strikes him, the initial reaction to Kaveh pulling away from him. It takes a moment for his brain to catch up to realize why. He has the feeling if he lets him leave, if Kaveh slips away to get drunk at the tavern again, it's going to put an insurmountable space between them that even Alhaitham won't be able to break through. He doesn't want that. He wants... well, he wants a lot more than that but even this feels like a step in the wrong direction to Alhaitham.

His hand reaches out, catches Kaveh's wrist on his grasp and tugs him closer again before he can escape. His other hand reaches out to cup Kaveh's face again and he holds him like that unless Kaveh makes a means to escape. There's concern etched upon his features as he looks at Kaveh, green eyes boring into crimson, eyebrows pulled together just so. He looks at Kaveh for a long moment before daring to speak. ]

Please... [ He trails off, not having expected to start like that. Alhaitham never says please to Kaveh. ] Don't go.

[ He doesn't want to tell him the truth, doesn't want to tell him what he actually meant in the text messages they shared. But he doesn't want Kaveh to leave him again, to put distance between them, to act like there's nothing here. Kaveh wants to run, he knows this, but Alhaitham can't let him go that easily.

Like that, his arms move again. The hand on Kaveh's face loops around his shoulders, pulling him close to Alhaitham's body while the hand grabbing his wrist winds around his middle. He hugs Kaveh to his chest then, holds him tight, cradles Kaveh's head against his chest and closes his eyes for a moment as he holds the other man so tightly. Then his voice comes again, gentle. ]

I'm sorry.

[ Alhaitham doesn't ever apologize either. ]

[ Kaveh truly isn't sure what he's expecting from Alhaitham when he starts to back away. Silence, perhaps. Acceptance. That same stoic expression that plagues him day in and day out, concealing the depths of what the other man might possibly be feeling.

It's not the hand that reaches out to pull him in closer, the visible concern on his features, the please before the younger man pulls him in closer, all but cradles him. Kaveh's eyes widen, his own arms still at his own sides, momentarily paralyzed by the shock and indecision. Like this, there's no way Alhaitham can't feel the way he trembles, the way that fresh tears cut down his cheeks as his eyes close, seeping into the other's shirt.

But like this, he feels—

God, how is he meant to run away from this?

I'm sorry, Alhaitham says, and Kaveh's reasonably sure his heart does something funny in his chest, impossibilities aside. And after a moment, his own arms lift, circling Alhaitham's waist, holding him just as close in return. ]

You don't— no, it was my fault.

[ Now, it's his turn to say something he's never said, at least to Alhaitham. Painting the other as the bad guy in his mind has always meant he can't take the blame, and yet now he feels he has to, feels it's the only way through this situation when—

He doesn't want to lose him. Not even on his own terms, the way he's always decided to. Not when it feels like this. And maybe that means he gets hurt later but it can't be worse than this, right? Than the hollow ache in his chest, the fear lancing his gut and striking his spine...

Archons, but what if it's worse? ]

[ Kaveh is in his arms, warm and safe, and Alhaitham has a moment of wondering why it took so long to get him here. His heart still hurts, this all feels a bit too much and he finds himself holding Kaveh just a little tighter when he feels the wet tears seeping into his shirt. His fingers curl into Kaveh's hair, cradling his head and he closes his eyes, lowering his head to press his face into Kaveh's hair and breathe him in. The arm around Kaveh holds him tightly and when he feels Kaveh's arms loop around him in return, he relaxes somewhat.

Alhaitham's mind slowly works through the knot that is this conversation. At first, it was Kaveh chasing him for an answer to his slip up. What else could Alhaitham be for Kaveh? And then Kaveh was upset because he said they weren't friends. Which they aren't, they aren't, and Alhaitham doesn't want to be friends. He wants much more than that from Kaveh. But even then, Kaveh kept chasing him for an answer and Alhaitham could only ask what did Kaveh even want from him? Which had Kaveh running instead, trying to put distance between them.

Alhaitham isn't... stupid. There's something here. The two of them are avoiding saying something to each other, something that would change their relationship. Alhaitham knows what he's avoiding but what is it that Kaveh's avoiding? It doesn't matter what I want, he said and Alhaitham's mind fixates on it, trying to pull apart what Kaveh means and see if he can find an answer there.

But his own heart is beating a little too fast, feeling a little too raw, to clearly think through this. Kaveh is in his arms and that's all Alhaitham wants. He wants to hold Kaveh, to make everything better, to feel like the two of them aren't going to be apart anytime soon. His arms curl a little tighter around the smaller man and he sighs.

His voice comes, mumbled slightly. ]

If you want us to be friends, we're friends. If you don't want that, just tell me what you do want.

[ And he'll give it to him. He'd give Kaveh anything. ]

[ There it is again, that question. Asking what he wants, when Kaveh is quite sure he doesn't dare to say it. It's not friendship, of course, but— but isn't that the next best thing? Isn't that what will hurt less in the long run? It's less risky, surely, less dangerous, less likely to have him falling apart alone in the end; yet he's always rejected it, yet he allowed himself to ache when Alhaitham rejected it in turn.

And now he can feel Alhaitham's heart pounding against the rest of his head, the way that the younger man's fingers are curled in his hair, the press of his face against his scalp and the tickle of his breath as he inhales. It makes him want to cry all the more, and he knows that his heart is pounding in the same way. They've never held one another like this before, haven't really touched in years; Kaveh hasn't dared allow himself to get so close, not after the fight that broke them so badly in the first place.

But what does he want?

Kaveh is quiet, pulling back from the embrace just enough that he can look up at Alhaitham again, ruby eyes seeking emerald even as tears continue to glimmer in the corners. ]

I said it doesn't matter, Alhaitham. I meant it.

[ But there's something on the other's face that he can't read, something that ties his heart into knots, and his gut and his heart make the decision for him before his head can catch up. ]

I— I'm drunk, right? So..

[ The statement makes no sense. He's not, and Alhaitham can probably tell as much from the way he holds himself, from how clear his voice is when he talks, even through the haze of his emotion. It's an excuse at best for the way he shifts, leans up to him, mouth slotting against his in a too-hasty kiss.

(He doesn't taste like wine, either.) ]

[ Kaveh is not drunk. This is the first thing that goes through Alhaitham's mind as the other man pulls away, as he says the things that he says. Alhaitham frowns a little at that and makes to object because he already knows that Kaveh isn't drunk. That's really the worst thing about this whole thing — neither of them are drunk, there is no excuse for their actions, no explaining away these feelings.

But then Kaveh catches him off guard.

He's not expecting to be kissed. Not expecting the way Kaveh leans up and presses his mouth to his and kisses him like that. There's a muffled noise of surprise into the kiss and Alhaitham's hands pull back out of shock. They go up to Kaveh's shoulders, pushing him back immediately as he tries to get his thoughts in order and explain what just happened.

Except very quickly he's regretting that action because he knows Kaveh is going to interpret it as rejection. His eyes widen, the realization hits him, and before he can stop himself he's leaning back in to kiss Kaveh again. If this is his one chance, if this is his one chance, he cannot let himself waste it. He doesn't know why Kaveh is kissing him, doesn't know why he picked now of all times, but he knows that he's wanted to kiss Kaveh for a long, long time and he can't have Kaveh thinking he's been rejected.

A hand reaches up from Kaveh's shoulder to cup his cheek and he tilts his head to the side, kissing him deeply, tenderly, licking into his mouth gently with a soft sigh. He is not turning down Kaveh. He is reciprocating. ]

[ He assumes that it will be over the moment it begins, and he's right. Alhaitham responds immediately with the biggest reaction he thinks he's ever seen from the other— the noise of surprise, the hands pulling back before pushing him away. Kaveh expected it, but it still hurts, and for that split second he's left looking up at the other's face with burning eyes and cheeks, an apology on the tip of his tongue and a hollow ache in the pit of his stomach. He fucked things, he knew even as he leaned in for the kiss that it would fuck things and he did it anyway, getting caught up in the swirl of emotions like an idiot..

He watches coppery green eyes widen, and his lips part toward another apology, the panic rising in his throat. Gods, what has he done—

But the space is closed as quickly as it is formed, and Alhaitham's mouth is on his again, and the sound Kaveh makes is one that's soft and shaking, not of surprise but of genuine want, something he can't hide as his eyes sink shut once more. His arms lift, curling around the younger man's shoulders; he sighs and follows the tilt of his head, lips parting easily under the gentle, searching motions of Alhaitham's tongue.

He's wanted this, so badly.

With his arms wound around Alhaitham's shoulders, one hand lifts, fingers cupping around the side of his neck to anchor them against one another, body shifting in closer so that they're properly flush. His tongue brushes up to taste the younger man's and his mouth in turn, another soft sound on his lips when he does. ]

[ They're kissing. Alhaitham is kissing Kaveh and Kaveh is not balking or pushing him away or any of the myriad of things Alhaitham has thought up in his nightmares. No, Kaveh is kissing him back and he's making noises. Noises of want, eager for Alhaitham to kiss him and that's all Alhaitham has ever wanted.

He kisses him harder then, the hand on his shoulder dropping to wrap around his waist and press his chest against Kaveh's even more. The hand holding his cheek grips him firmly as the kiss turns needful, desperate. Alhaitham has wanted to kiss Kaveh for so long, he wants to devour him. He doesn't want idle kisses between two scared teens that he imagined way back when. He wants to claim Kaveh, to make him his.

It's what has him pressing Kaveh back, a step or two before he's pressed against the wall next to Alhaitham's bedroom door. Then the hand on his cheek moves, pressing his arm flat against the wall and clenching his hand into a fist as he kisses Kaveh with want, with hunger, with a deep-seated possessiveness. ]

[ If Alhaitham enjoys the noises that Kaveh is making, then he'll be rewarded by the blonde's response to the way he presses harder into the kiss. As it turns into something hungrier, more desperate between them, as he finds himself pressed into the wall with the taller man bearing down on him, the sound Kaveh makes is less of a gasp or whimper this time but actually a soft moan. His fingers tangle roughly into the other's hair, tugging him in yet closer as he meets the other's need with his own.

And he's terrified, can feel his heart racing against his ribcage in the beginnings of a panic, but wrapped up in the enormity of his desire, he ignores it for now as best as he can, shoves it forcibly to the side. He can deal with it later; afraid as he is, he's not about to ruin the best thing that's happened to him in years out of fear.

(But what if this is just physical for Alhaitham? What if this doesn't change anything?)

Fuck, he needs his head to shut up.

Desperate for more closeness, Kaveh shifts, angling himself so that his leg is slotted between the other man's, allowing them to press closer with yet more freedom. His teeth nip at the younger's lower lip between kisses, breath coming short and sharp, heralding the panicky drive of his heart. ]

Please—

[ A single word, breathed out between kisses and then forgotten. What does he want, apart from everything? ]

[ This is perfect. This is perfect. Alhaitham feels the way Kaveh arches up into his kisses, presses harder into them, and then he swallows down Kaveh's moan in its entirety, shivering slightly from his arousal. The fingers in his hair are good, the leg pressed between his own is even better and he continues to kiss Kaveh with a desperate need.

But he also feels Kaveh too. The slight shaking of his fingers, the fast beating of his heart, he knows Kaveh is still in his head somewhat even as they kiss like neither of them can get enough. He hears the please and knows Kaveh is asking for more but he thinks Kaveh might be asking for reassurance as well. So when Alhaitham pulls off the kiss, when he starts pressing kisses to Kaveh's jaw, down to his throat, scraping teeth across his skin, he also says — ]

Stop thinking, Kaveh.

[ He lifts his head then, presses his forehead against Kaveh's and looks at him. Bright emerald eyes seeking out crimson as he crowds Kaveh up against the wall and tries to make Kaveh's world narrow down to him, just him. ]

How do you feel about me? Just say it. The truth.

[ And before he can freak out, there's reassurance as Alhaitham follows up — ]

Because I'm in love with you.

[ It's like a weight has lifted off his chest the moment Kaveh kissed him. Like the fear has dissolved and there's only Alhaitham's single-minded focus as he reorients his life around this. Kaveh's not drunk. Kaveh kissed him because he has feelings for him. He's not sure the depth of those feelings but they're there which means Alhaitham has a chance. Which means right now, as Kaveh starts to panic even as he loses himself in the kiss with Alhaitham, Alhaitham has no qualms about saying the truth anymore. He's never been a liar anyway. ]

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I am so sorry for him being so impossible

no!!! i love it!!!

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