indigently | 𝒪𝓅𝑒𝓃 𝓅𝑜𝓈𝓉 🏛️

[ it's a good day. kaveh arrives in the morning, and tighnari has delegated all of his duties to allow himself the time needed to attend his company. they spend the morning swimming in the pools below gandharva ville before a light lunch, and some time spent discussing work, seminars, and all manner of inane topics while tighnari prepares a refill of his signature hand cream for kaveh. evening arrives, and they enjoy dinner with collei and cyno, stuffing themselves on fragrant biryani and roasted mushrooms, cyno's signature tahchin, and delicious umm ali for dessert.

and all the while, from dawn to dusk, tighnari silently catalogues how many glasses of wine kaveh enjoys, how often he reaches for the bottle, how many bottles they empty between the three of them.

after another round of genius invokation tcg sees collei nodding in her seat, tighnari gently declares the evening complete, and clears up the table. collei smiles blearily, before she's heading off to her own hut, and cyno lingers long enough to help with the dishes before he's off to sumeru city again, breathing a soft kiss to the corner of tighnari's lips.

and then there were two. i'm not tired. walk with me? tighnari asks, and together he and kaveh set out to the lower slopes of gandha hill, to watch the swath of stars fling itself across the heavens. tighnari points out vulpes zerda in the sky, they chat a little more, and then, fall silent. it's a comfortable silence, at least for a little while, before tighnari ventures, quietly. ]

Kaveh.. you know you can trust me, don't you?

[ For a whole day, Kaveh has been able to forget the worst of it. Tighnari and the others are good company, and the Forest Watcher has kept him busy with the plans he laid out for them, time taken to enjoy a swim in soothing rainforest waters, to enjoy drinks and food and games together, to just relax and chat. Gone is the oppressive weight of the deadlines forever hanging over his head, gone too the heavy weight of his roommate's presence, and at least when he's kept busy he doesn't have time to dwell on all those other little things, the haunting thoughts that keep sleep at bay.

By the time they're walking over Gandha Hill, Kaveh is pleasantly tipsy. He hasn't noticed Tighnari's eyes on him, but he's certainly had more than enough drinks during the day for his friend's watchful eyes to notice. After all, it's his first day free in a while, so why shouldn't he celebrate and enjoy himself? And in his defense, it's not until dinner that he drank more heavily, anyway. Cyno's jokes...

He's enjoying the quiet, eyes trained on the stars making their way across the heavens, when Tighnari's voice reaches his ears, and he turns, a slight frown on his face. He's not sure of his friend's purpose, but there's something about his tone that makes the architect nervous. ]

...Yeah? Of course I know that, Tighnari. Why do you ask?

[ tighnari sighs, softly, weary and gentle. he's not sure he's the right person to do this, but neither can he let the matter sit any longer. the more he waits, the further and further kaveh will sink, and tighnari cannot allow that - he's a healer by nature, whether he be rejuvenating the forest, or patching up a scraped knee, he can't see pain and let it be. it isn't who he is. he cares about kaveh too much to allow this to escalate further, even if it ends up costing them their friendship. if kaveh will not fight for himself, then tighnari will fight for him. ]

I think you know why.

[ kaveh is an intelligent man, academically and emotionally, and tighnari is sure that he will understand where this is leading, and what tighnari is referring to. his hand smooths across the grass, finding kaveh's, squeezing. ]

If you trust me, why won't you ask me for help?

[ "I think you know why", Tighnari says, and Kaveh feels his heart sink in his chest. He was right to be nervous then, wasn't he? There's no doubt that his friend wants to talk about the same topic from the other day, that one thing Tighnari voiced worry on only for Kaveh to shut him right down. That same conversation during which he invited Kaveh here in the first place.

Maybe he should have seen it sooner. But everything has been so hectic and crowded and frustrating that he can barely think—

His fingers loop easily into the other's, but he keeps his eyes trained uncomfortably in another direction, refusing for now to look back at him. Sure, he drinks a lot, but... it's not really a problem, is it? It just... it helps. It helps him shake the worst feelings,

and sometimes there's a lot of worst feelings.

Kaveh takes a deep breath, trying to steady himself. The last thing he wants to do right now is burst into tears. ]

I don't— [ I don't ask anybody for help ] —I don't need help, `nari. I'm fine. [ I'm not. ] ...I'll be fine.

Don't lie to me, Kaveh.

[ he says the words gently, but firmly, for tighnari knows full well that it is a lie. not only is he a perceptive creature himself, kaveh wears his emotions on his sleeve, even the ones he tries to keep hidden are obvious, to tighnari's gaze. he's seen the way kaveh sometimes glances aside when he isn't speaking, the way his expressions drop, just briefly, the way he sometimes halts on a sensitive topic, before brushing quickly past it, just as he is doing now. ]

I'm not stupid, you know. I know you well enough to see that you're struggling.

[ and while alhaitham might be supportive to kaveh in many ways, he is not well equipped to deal with these particular struggles, especially given their history. kaveh needs more than just him. ]

I also know full well that you don't want to talk about this, but I can't let you go down this path. I won't.

[ tighnari has seen full well how substance abuse and dependency can tear people and families apart; he cannot allow it to happen to kaveh. ]

I'm not—

[ But he is, and having it called out so bluntly stops him in his tracks, halts him from repeating it, the guilt twisting like a knife.

Of course he's lying. He hasn't been fine for— for a while, and lately it just seems to be getting worse.

Oh, but he hates this. Tighnari sees through him so easily, the same way he himself sees through the walls that other people put up. And to think he considers himself good at at hiding the deepest of his feelings, the guilt and shame that threaten constantly to swallow him whole. As far as he knows, there's no one other than Alhaitham who knows the worst of it— although according to said roommate, he himself has spilled the truth of his residential status to anyone who'll listen— and yet his vulpine friend talks to him with an understanding that churns something deep in his gut.

He closes his eyes against the burning feeling, taking another stabilizing breath or two— or three— as he tries to find the right words to answer his friend. ]

What... what path do you think I'm going down?

[ The coward's way out, perhaps. But he wouldn't be where he was right now if he didn't put up some sort of a fight. ]

[ i'm not - kaveh starts, and tighnari levels him with a hard, but sympathetic look.

this isn't an easy discussion, for either of them. kaveh as the confronted, and tighnari as the confronter - he needs to stick to his guns, and force something incredibly uncomfortable out into the open, not an easy task, even for someone as bold and forward as tighnari. but it must be done. for kaveh's sake, for the sake of their friendship, for all of kaveh's friendships, this wound must be scrubbed and debrided to properly heal.

it will be painful. ]

.. there's a family I work with, often, they always come to me when one of them is ailing. Both parents passed away some three years ago, of Eleazar, and the eldest child did not take it well. He began to drink, just a little, at first, but then more, and more. It crept up over time. Last week, he nearly died on my table of alcohol poisoning.

[ a beat, and tighnari's lips press together. ]

Between myself and his siblings, he finally accepted help. I can only help you if you allow me to.

[ He falls silent as Tighnari speaks, an uncomfortable heaviness sinking into his gut, a realization that the other truly does see beneath the surface to that one thing Kaveh desperately wants for him not to see, that shame he protects almost as closely as he does the guilt over the loss of his father.

What the Forest Watcher describes though is a situation far worse than his own, a realization that chases his anxiety and shame with relief, because it's not lying to hold Tighnari's hand a little more tightly in his own, to shake his head with genuine conviction. ]

It's not... I promise I'm not as bad as all that, [ he says, and he means it— even if the detail about the parents does little but remind him of the painted-over cracks in his own heart. ] I know I drink more than I should sometimes... and more often than I like to admit, but it's just... [ He pauses, and sighs. ] Sometimes it's too much. Work. Life.

[ Guilt.

But he can't tell Tighnari about that, can he? The only person who knows the whole truth of it is Alhaitham, and that's only because he doesn't care what that person thinks of him anymore. ]

This time of year is hard. It's not always like this.

[ tighnari sighs, slow and soft. he knew this would be difficult, and it is; kaveh is resisting. maybe he isn't ready yet, but still, tighnari needs to try. ]

No, it isn't as bad as all that. Not yet. It's a very slippery slope.

[ and you're already on your way down.

tighnari's hand tightens, grasping kaveh's fingers, grounding them both, while his fluffy tail flicks, curling gently around kaveh's back. it's warm, and soft, and he hopes that it is a comfort as well. there's a moment of tense silence before tighnari pulls that hand into his lap, so he can hold to it with both of his own. it's not always like this, no, but it's been getting steadily worse, slowly but surely, time of year or no time of year. ]

Will you tell me why?

[ A slippery slope, Tighnari says, and the implication isn't lost on him: the fact that they're even here now, talking about this, is enough to tell him that his lupine friend feels that he's already making his way down said slope, even without the gentle insistence that he's not "yet" that bad.

And of course Kaveh is going to resist, because in his mind, he has it under control; he really, truly does. It's bad now, it's been bad other time before, but it's not always— he can stop if he wants to, he's not gonna get that bad...

(Besides, killing himself with drink would be the coward's way out for someone who deserves to live through the pain.)

That last one is a thought he shakes off as he moves to lean a little into the curl of that tail, eyes closing and face turning into the softness of it, accepting it as a source of comfort even as Tighnari pulls Kaveh's hand into his lap to cradle it in both of his own, even as he asks that one question that Kaveh can never fully, truly answer.

Forgive me. ]

It's coming up on the anniversary of my father's death.

[ He's not sure if he's ever talked to Tighnari about the fact that his father is gone. All he knows for sure is that the Forest Watcher doesn't know why he's gone— and Kaveh is intent on keeping it that way. ]

[ oh yes, tighnari is quite sure that kaveh is already clinging precariously to the edge of that slippery slope, he's seen far too many cases like this, far too many people in this shape, to think any differently. kaveh is like all the rest of them, asserting that he's just fine, that it isn't a problem, but tighnari knows full well that it is, and he has a feeling that kaveh knows the same, beneath his false smiles.

kaveh leans into the curl of his tail, and tighnari allows it, undoing one hand to smooth it through his blonde hair, curved claws scratching gently at his scalp, soothing. ]

I see. I'm sorry to hear that.

[ even though tighnari can't help but feel suspicious that there is more to it, that he is not telling the whole truth, but revealing only a sliver. kaveh is a softhearted man, but with the way he drinks, the way he hides.. there must be more to this. a violent passing, perhaps? a shocking death? too soon? tighnari cannot know, and he also cannot wrench it forcefully from kaveh's lips, but he can continue to gently coax. he is a medic, after all, it's in his nature to want to treat wounds, to never give up on a patient. ]

Will you tell me about him? What he was like?

[ Kaveh sighs, something almost contented in the way he tilts his head into the gentle scratches of claws at his scalp— it would actually be easy for him to fade out of his crowded thoughts and enjoy the tranquility and peace of the moment if not for the continued questions on Tighnari's lips. He knows the other man well enough to know what he's doing, recognizes the gentle peel of layers as the botanist attempts to work his way to the core of the problem.

Attempts, because even in this state— tickled by the barest touches of the alcohol over dinner and lulled into the peace of this moment by the softness of Tighnari's tail and the touch of his hands— there are some things Kaveh thinks he can never give up. And so he takes a deep breath to steady himself, wanting— needing— to avoid the potentiality of getting too emotional and losing control over his words. ]

My father... he was an academic. Rtawahist. He was always smiling, and he had the best laugh. [ With his eyes closed, he can still see it splitting the man's mouth in two, bright and warm. ] Maybe it's because mother is an architect too but he never judged me for wanting to make things. He says— used to say that if people could see the world the way I saw it, it would be a more beautiful place.

[ He pauses, taking a deep, shuddering breath. ]

But he died when I was young. Before I could enter the Akademiya. [ My fault. ] So he never got to see... you know, the Palace. Or anything.

[ kaveh's assessment is entirely correct. gently, little by little, he is attempting to peel back the protective layers that kaveh shrouds himself in to reach the festering core of his issues. not unlike debriding an infected wound, the dead cells must be stripped away in order for healing to occur. it's a painful, bloody process, yet a necessary one, lest the infection set in too deeply, and the patient becomes septic.

emotional wounds, tighnari thinks, are not so different from physical ones, in how they must heal. ]

He sounds as if he was a brilliant man. I would have loved to have met the person who helped bring you into the world.

[ tighnari's hand continues to move, smoothing through kaveh's soft hair, the tip of his tail twitching back and forth, back and forth. ]

And he's right, you know. About how you see the world. I think it doesn't matter that he isn't able to see your work, because he knew you had it in you to begin with. [ turning his head, tighnari nudges his nose against kaveh's temple, placing a gentle kiss there. ] Losing someone so close to you is incredibly painful.

[ Kaveh's eyes squeeze tighter shut at the soft press of lips, a salty wetness spilling over his lashes as he takes another shaky breath. Yes, it hurts, but it's a hurt that he deserves— something he's not sure he can ever make Tighnari understand. How can he not deserve it, after all the pain he caused his mother? After he ruined his family? ]

It was... unexpected. He died too young. [ His voice is hoarse. ] And it changed my mother. She was never really the same afterwards. Once I started at the Akademiya, she left too... she got a job in Fontaine and she's lived there since. She remarried a few years ago, a little while before we met— She's happy now, but it took a long time for her to get there.

[ All it took was leaving him behind.

(But how can he begrudge her that, when he took away the person she loved the most?)

Another sigh, and Kaveh wriggles the hand that's still tangled with Tighnari's, almost as if to bury it deeper, seeking comfort from the simple touch. ]

Anyway, like I said, it's coming up on that time of year, and... and I have a lot of work right now, and Alhaitham is Alhaitham, and there was all that stuff with the Akademiya and it's... it's just a bit much.

[ tighnari is silent. thinking. this is such a delicate issue, and kaveh is a friend, a close friend, a dear friend, and the last thing tighnari wants is to break the bond between them, or damage it in any way, because he mishandled this incredibly tender situation.

and so he rests his head against kaveh's and maintains the quiet, for a little while. ]

I know it is. It must be.

[ tighnari's hand in kaveh's tightens, holding fast. ]

I want to help you. I want you to let me help you. You don't need to suffer alone, and I won't allow you to. You're my friend, Kaveh.

[ and they've been through much together, haven't they? they've known one another for quite some time, developed a closeness all their own, independent of cyno and alhaitham, and the relationship the four of them have built together. ]

Were our positions reversed.. you would feel the same, wouldn't you?

I don't—

[ need help, are the words that are on his lips, but they die there unspoken, because what Tighnari says next is true— if the shoe were on the other foot, if it were the Forest Watcher losing himself in alcohol in an attempt to leave the world behind, if he had any reason at all to imagine the other man needed his help, there would be nothing in all of Teyvat that would stop him from finding some way to do exactly that. To fix everything, so that Tighnari didn't have to hurt anymore.

Because Tighnari is not someone who should ever have to feel that kind of pain.

As wrong as the other is about Kaveh, it's a feeling the architect can understand. And so he turns his head, presses it silently into the other's shoulder, tries to bite back the tears leeching into his voice, the clawed hand of agony tearing at his throat. ]

I... what do you want me to do?

[ tighnari releases a soft breath. ]

I want you to want me to help you, first.

[ it's important that kaveh knows that, that he wants to accept the help. the tears in his friend's voice tear at his heart like sharp claws, but tighnari continues on, because he must. ]

And then, we'll get you healthy. No more wine. It will be difficult, but I think.. I think you'll feel much, much better for it, in the end. Prolonged alcohol use has a devastating effect on the body.

[ kaveh will feel much more aware, much clearer, fresher, healthier once he's sober. ]

After that, the real work will begin.

[ No more wine.

Kaveh's not sure why that's such a horrific thought in his head. Maybe it's because, without wine— without alcohol— he'll have to face sober the thoughts that plague his mind day in and day out. The grief. The guilt. Every single difficulty— ]

But... [ And his voice is rough, raw, Kaveh choking back the lump in his throat in an effort to make a joke, to hide the realism of the panic rising in his chest at the idea of trying to deal with all of this. If Tighnari knows he's going to pieces over the thought of not being able to drink, it will only solidify in the other's mind that he has a problem—

And he doesn't, he's okay, he just needs the worst of this time to be over— ]

But if I don't have wine, how am I going to get through Cyno's jokes?

[ he more or less expected this - that kaveh would resist. he's doesn't voice it loudly, but tighnari can feel his tension, and sense it in his voice. an addict never wants to give up their substance of choice, and no doubt the very idea of it is enough to put kaveh on edge, to terrify him. but there is no other course of action. ]

Very funny. There are plenty of other mechanisms you can use to cope.

[ tighnari drops the hand that he is holding, but only so he can wrap both arms around kaveh's shoulders, holding him nearer, resting his chin atop that blonde head. ]

.. how about this -

[ he ventures, softly. ]

I'll come to the city to stay with you, for awhile. I can help you get through this, and keep you company when you're not feeling well.

[ and.. to monitor his progress, to make sure he does not need a medical intervention. alcohol is a dangerous substance to withdrawal from. and all the while, he can get kaveh the help he needs to learn to better cope with his pain, healthier ways to process his grief. ]

[ Maybe he should just say yes. Tell Tighnari okay and then learn to hide it better, be smarter about what he drinks and when he drinks it. Keep it to himself so that he can weather the worst of times when they come without needing to face them head on. That way, isn't everyone happy?

But he's not a liar— he just can't do it, and instead he turns, presses his face into the other man's shoulder as those arms wrap around him, and a soft sob cracks his voice, has him suddenly shedding all the tears he's been trying to hide, fingers reaching, gripping at his friend's shirt sleeve as the sounds tear his throat. ]

I don't know I can do it. It's— it's too hard, Tighnari, it's too much, and I don't know how to deal with it otherwise!

[ If only, if only grief were the only thing driving him to drink. It would be so much easier to give it up if he wasn't constantly on the run from himself. ]

[ as much as kaveh's reaction might break his heart, in some ways, it is exactly what he wants to hear. old, festering wounds must be lanced and drained of ichor and pus, the infection leeched away, there is no other way but to cut through the flesh. this brings pain. anguish. but it is the only way to heal. tighnari needs kaveh's honesty right now, not his false bravado. ]

I know.

[ he says, his voice as soft as a flower's petal, as he presses a line of peppered kisses to kaveh's hair. oh, the memories it brings.. it was only so many years ago, after all, that kaveh held him in this way while he wept with relief and joy and pain, his long hair in a pile at his feet. ]

I know it feels that way, but it isn't the truth. You're so strong, Kaveh, and your heart is so warm, and kind. You don't have to do this alone. I'll be with you.

[ one hand smooths down kaveh's back, up again, down again, a soothing rhythm. ]

There are many healthy ways to cope with pain. We'll find one that works for you.

[ It's all he can do not to break down in loud sobs; as it is, the sounds he makes are soft, sniffled into Tighnari's shirt as they shake his shoulders and the fingers with which he grips the other. He's not as strong as Tighnari thinks. He's a mess. He doesn't know what he's meant to do, how he's meant to—

A breath becomes a hiccup, and Kaveh tries to get himself back under control, trying in vain to breathe through the worst of it so that he might put himself at some sort of ease. ]

I don't want to do this, [ he says, and his voice is small, shaking with its last attempt to put the other man off helping him, to somehow allow him to run and hide with what limited alcohol he can afford. He's not going to kill himself on the stuff, isn't that enough?

Besides, he doesn't deserve to be happy anyway. ]

I know you don't.

[ he says, softly, and tighnari's hand smooths up and down his back in warm and gentle circles. would that he could share kaveh's pain, alleviate some of the load, but this is the best that he can manage, all he can offer. whatever kaveh is going through, drowning himself in alcohol is only going to make it worse - he needs to be clear-headed to face his problems, and move forward. alcoholism is a slippery slope, and even someone as brilliant as kaveh isn't immune to its clutches. ]

I know it sounds like one of the hardest things you've ever had to face, but you aren't alone. I'm going to help you, just like you've helped me.

[ closing his eyes, tighnari presses another kiss to the crown of kaveh's blonde head, allowing it to linger. ]

It's getting cold. Let's get back inside, hmm?

...Yeah, okay.

[ The tendrils of panic are ever-present, threatening to choke the life out of him, to throw him in a shallow pool and leave him to drown in it. In fact, perhaps the only thing that doesn't stop him from freaking out completely is the fact that he hasn't actually agreed to anything, hasn't actually told Tighnari he'll do it. He's sure the other would judge him just a little if he knew, would see it as more proof that this is something Kaveh needs, but that's okay. For as much as Kaveh loves him, the Forest Watcher just doesn't quite understand—

Something for which, of course, Kaveh is grateful. He wouldn't wish these feelings on anyone.

He pulls himself back, reaching up to smudge an embarrassing number of tears away from his eyes, his gaze not quite meeting the other man's. ]

[ tighnari helps, reaching to thumb the tears from kaveh's eyes, his heart breaking at the sight of his face. still, he can't help but feel that this is a step forward. a small step, perhaps, but.. a step nonetheless.

and so they stand, and tighnari loops his arm through one of kaveh's as they walk back to gandharva ville, back to tighnari's cozy little home, where a warm light waits to greet them. the moment they arrive, he's immediately putting the kettle on. ]

Would you like a bath before bed?

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