indigently | 𝒪𝓅𝑒𝓃 𝓅𝑜𝓈𝓉 🏛️

( continued. )

I never ASKED you to hype me up??

[ How the moods will change. From cheerful to self-doubting to aggravated. Likely, Alhaitham is the last person he should have contacted about this, but, well... ]

Ugh forget it, I shouldn't have told you. It's not like you'd get it anyway.

[ Too late! Now they're having this conversation and there's no take backs. ]

I get it. You want someone to want you. The easiest way to do that is to have casual sex with strangers. It's not fulfilling though, and knowing you, you'll likely suffer from heartache in the end.

[ Oh, he hates it when Alhaitham does this. ]

You
What is wrong with you?????

Gods, I didn't text you to be psychoanalyzed

[ The worst part about it is that, as usual, the other not only seems to see right through him, but is also willing to call him out on it, naming each and every one of Kaveh's problems— even the ones he refuses to name himself.

(But he does, so desperately, want someone to want him. He wants someone to love him. He's tired of feeling alone.) ]

[ If it helps (it won't), Alhaitham doesn't mean to upset Kaveh like this. It's just Alhaitham being... himself. He's actually trying to be helpful(?). ]

Then what did you text me for? You had to know I was going to reply like this. I'm not going to help you be a slut, it's only going to make you feel bad about yourself in the end.

[ It's a good question: why did he text Alhaitham specifically? The other is right, as much as he hates to admit it— he knew deep down how the reaction would be—

(And realistically, he knows why he texted him too, despite all that. Something about jealousy, and—)

He shakes the thought off, types an angry reply instead. ]

Since when have you ever cared about me feeling bad about myself??

[ To Kaveh's credit, Alhaitham isn't exactly keen on Kaveh going around sleeping with people either. Alhaitham is more than aware of why that is, but he doesn't think it's relevant to this conversation.

Instead, Kaveh gets this answer: ]

Since it determines how livable the situation is between us. If you're miserable and feeling even worse about yourself than usual, you'll take it out on me. I can't be bothered with that.

"Can't be bothered"?
Well, fuck you

[ And there it is in text: the reason Kaveh denies his own feelings so strongly. Everything about everything Alhaitham says just comes across to him like someone who doesn't care at all, and he can't let himself get caught up in that kind of shit— ]

[ (Read: he's blind.) ]

Just forget it, then.
If it will disturb your precious peace that much for me to go out and have fun, I just won't even bother

[ SIGHING A DEEP SIGH. Doesn't it mean he cares if he's honest about his feelings to Kaveh? This is just another overreaction, really, and Alhaitham is starting to wonder if he should just give up on this conversation. ]

That's not what I said. If you found someone to date, I wouldn't object. A stable relationship is what you need, not one off flings with people who don't respect you. There's nothing wrong with that either, lots of people can't handle casual hook ups, after all.

[ Kaveh, unfortunately, has historically seen— and will likely continue to see— Alhaitham's honesty as naught but criticism, and now is no exception. Really, he should be grateful, especially given the other's statement about needing someone who respects him. Instead— ]

Are you saying I'm emotionally incapable of having a fling??

[ Alhaitham is not above shaking his phone for a moment like it'd help with the urge to wring Kaveh's neck for deliberately misunderstanding him. Thankfully he's alone so no one notices. ]

Yes. You belong in a committed relationship.

[ ...Belong? That's a weird way for Alhaitham to put it, isn't it?

He frowns, looking quietly at his phone for a moment or two before he replies. ]

What do you mean, "belong"?

[ ... Ah, shit. Did he slip up? Obviously the most logical course of action would be for Kaveh to be in a committed relationship with him but he's pretty sure Kaveh doesn't want that. So, he hasn't said anything. He's been approaching this objectively instead, regarding what would suit Kaveh the best instead of his own desires.

But he supposes he slipped up a little. ]

Being single is clearly not working for you. You're someone who needs companionship. Not just friends but an intimate partner as well. Didn't you tell me that your mother was much happier once she found your father? The same will be true for you.

So, yes, belong.

[ It's stupid, it's so stupid, but the way Alhaitham answers makes his heart pound in his chest. It's not the first time that he has cut through to the core of Kaveh's problems with an answer so succinct it scares him. He sighs, and runs his hands through his hair. It would be so easy to get angry, but.. what's the point? Experience has already proven that running away from Alhaitham doesn't work out. ]

Companionship would be nice, but we both know that's not going to happen for me, Alhaitham. I'm not exactly..

[ He frowns, looking at the words. What is he meant to say? Spell out that he's hardly a catch, with his solvency issues and the boatload of other problems? They both know that, so what's the point? Really, he— ]

Ugh. Forget it.
I don't feel emotionally ready anymore.

I guess you get your way again.

[ Alhaitham knows exactly what he's going to say. That he's not a catch, that he has all these reasons wrong with him and that no one would ever want him. Alhaitham disagrees with that, of course, but he knows Kaveh won't believe him. ]

You act like I want you to be alone. I don't. I think you're worth more than you give yourself credit for, but I imagine you don't want to hear that from me.

[ He.. isn't sure how he feels about that. But probably not for the reasons Alhaitham thinks. Truth be told, it's just... such a nice thing for him to say, and Kaveh doesn't usually think of him as saying nice things. ]

I know I complain about the way you talk, but I think I prefer that to you saying things you've decided I need to hear in order to feel better.

I'm worth exactly what I'm worth, there's no need to try and pretend otherwise.

Have I ever said anything because of obligation? If I'm saying something it's because I mean to say it, I wouldn't waste my words otherwise.

Though I suppose I AM wasting my words with you because even when I say what I mean, you're going to have the least flattering interpretation of them in order to justify whatever anxious self-deprecating thoughts are floating around in your head. You WANT me as your enemy instead of whatever else I could be for you.

[ He knows even as he sends the message that he's in the wrong. Alhaitham isn't the type to say things simply out of obligation. He says what he means, and he means what he says, even when it isn't the most socially correct thing to say.

Still, the response makes him frown, a fresh anger flaring in the base of his spine. ]

What the fuck, Alhaitham? I've NEVER wanted you to be my enemy!!

[ Never mind that he's the one who, those years ago, single-handedly declared an end to their friendship. ]

But it has NOTHING TO DO with my "self-deprecating thoughts" and EVERYTHING to do with the fact that you don't stop to think about how people with actual feelings might react to the things you say!

[ And then follows a moment of silence while he re-reads Alhaitham's text, still fuming— and then confused and frustrated too. ]

If you feel like you're wasting your words, don't bother.

You're not making sense anyway... what else do you think you could possibly be for me?

[ There's no way it would ever be what Kaveh has always wanted it to be, somewhere deep down beyond the frustration and the hurt that clouded his decision to walk away in the first place. ]

[ Maybe... Maybe it's Alhaitham's turn to be a bit hurt. He's nursed this desire for Kaveh for far too long and never really expected it to go anywhere because every word out of Kaveh's mouth is about how incompatible they are, how he can't stand Alhaitham, how Alhaitham is the worst person to be around, so on and so forth.

But there's only so many times a guy can take it, even Alhaitham. So, maybe he's a bit over it tonight because he's a little bit jealous of Kaveh wanting to find companionship with someone other than him, and a little bit frustrated with Kaveh for not considering his advice at all and just viewing it as an attack.

Alhaitham has to put his phone down, take a breath, try and collect himself before he replies. It means that he doesn't reply for a good, long time. It's about twenty minutes before he returns to his phone and finally types his response to Kaveh. ]

It doesn't matter, Kaveh. We're not even friends.

[ Kaveh spends most of those twenty minutes pacing, especially once Alhaitham doesn't reply straight away. Even before the other's statement, he's positive he's finally pushed it too far.

What he's not expecting is how much he dreads that fact, when it's been something he's been trying to do for years.

The truth is, after all, that Kaveh has never expected Alhaitham to want to stick around for too long. The younger man has his life together in a way Kaveh simply does not, probably never will, and the blonde's eternal fear is that of letting him in only to find himself pushed away when Alhaitham realizes what a mistake he's made.

It's easier, then, to do the pushing away himself. On his own terms. To say out loud that they're not friends, to threaten to move out in each and every breath, to complain loudly about him to everyone who will listen,

and yet

and yet, he feels sick to see the other finally acknowledge it for himself. Enough that his fingers shake and his eyes blur as he formulates his reply. ]

Since when has that stopped you?
You've alwaus said exactly what you want to asy, whethr I wanna hear it or not
so go on?

[ It would figure that Kaveh would push, would still want to hear whatever it is Alhaitham wants to say. It's Alhaitham's fault, really, for adding that last part before. He wasn't thinking straight, should've kept his message concise and now like a dog with a bone, Kaveh won't let it go. Figures.

He notices the typos when the message comes in and sighs before slumping back in his chair. Kaveh must be drinking again, he assumes. What other reason is there for his messy words? What's the point of this if Kaveh is just going to forget about it in the morning? Just another stupid fight, one that won't change a thing. ]

I'd rather not say. You're not going to listen to me and only going to view it as an attack no matter how I word it. You're drunk, Kaveh, just go to bed. None of this matters.

[ His heart... hurts. His heart hurts, and that's a new thing. ]

I'm not drunk

[ But even as he sends it, he knows that that won't be enough. Alhaitham sounds— can you even sound over text, he wonders— upset somehow, and every time he re-reads the message the feeling he has only gets worse, as if he's broken something more irreparably than before.

(Isn't this what he wanted?)

He shouldn't, but he gets up, storms his way over to Alhaitham's room on shaking legs, raps a hard fist against the flat of the door. He's shaking, but he's not drunk. He hasn't had a single drop to drink tonight— something he's regretting more and more as this mess progresses. ]

Alhaitham?

[ He's meant to make the other hate him and walk away safe. He's not meant to regret this. ]

[ He hears the sound of Kaveh's feet on the floor before the knocking comes and he has to sigh, dropping his head back and looking up at the ceiling. If he had his headphones on, he could make the excuse that he didn't hear it and ignore Kaveh but he doesn't. He's made himself comfortable for the night, in a house shirt and house pants and so he can't even leave to get away from this.

Unfortunate.

He gets up from his reading chair, where he was settled for the night reading when he first got Kaveh's message, and heads towards the bedroom door. He'll open it, leaning against the doorjamb with his arms crossed over his chest and a frown on his face. Kaveh looks... upset and Alhaitham can immediately spot the wetness of his eyes which just makes the urge well up in him to fix it somehow. But he tried that, didn't he?

So, his guard is up and his expression is blank as he looks back at Kaveh. ]

What is it?

[ What is it? Alhaitham asks, and Kaveh suddenly realizes that he doesn't know what to say. His gaze drops, wet and reddened crimson eyes staring at the other's feet on the floor, his breath rattling in his lungs as he tries to sort through the myriad of emotions that had him barreling off of his own bed and to the other's room. He mimics the other by accident, arms crossing over his chest— a self-defense mechanism— as he responds with the only thing he can think of to say at the moment: ]

I'm not drunk.

[ His voice is sullen, a tremble hidden in its words. He shouldn't have come over here; he should have just agreed, let Alhaitham say they're not friends just like he's said himself so many times before now—

instead, he let it cut to his core and sting with the same ache from which he's been trying to run.

All he can do right now is insist. ]

I'm not drunk, so tell me.

for @scribal

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I am so sorry for him being so impossible

no!!! i love it!!!

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